the truth

Ok so the truth is, God gave the BEST that he had to us, as a sacrficial offering that we may live in peace, comfort and the ultimate satisfaction, with God Himself. He gave his son, his FAVORITE son, His ONLY son, to die for the sins WE COMMIT so we can live with God, who gave us HIS BEST. And all He asks for in return is for us to give Him our best. He just wants us the best of us. But what do we do? Go to church on Sundays, don't really think about God and His ultimate sacrfice for us, maybe a few nights out of the week, we'll remember to pray as we're falling asleep, but can we honestly say that is our best? There's no way...He wants us to leave everything behind and follow Him. Live like His only son lived. Jesus was equal with God. If we were equal with God, does it make sense for us to give up everything and live as a homeless person, humbly serving your father? No...He should be sitting beside him on a throne where He belongs, but instead, as an equal to God, he came in human form, lowered himself below God, was hoomeless, hungry, tired but rejoiced and did it all for the sake of His fathers name. But who are we to roll down the streets in our hummers and Lexus when kids are starving all over the world. We as humans, so far beneath God, live like we think we should be up there sitting next go God himself. Of course we'd never actually think it...but actions speak louder than words.


....i'm still processing through this thought, so more to come i'm sure...

break these chains

Schools over, and December is half way over…and I haven’t written a blog in almost a month. I SUCK! If I go back to January’s blogs, and read over my new years resolution, It was to blog my spiritual journey. And it seems as if I’ve done a pretty decent job, but only the good days. Whenever my spiritual journey is blooming, I write about it. But I really don’t like writing about the bad stuff. I’ve definitely had some ups and downs this year. I feel like I’m in a plateau right now. But I feel stuck. You know when you are having that bad dream where someone is chasing you, and you can’t run move your legs to run away? That’s pretty much the best way I can explain it. Not that I’m not trying…now I won’t be stupid… I know I could try harder, but like I said…I feel stuck. In some crazy sticky mud! How can we just break free from the chains that are holding us down? Because I really think this whole being stuck thing…it’s getting really old.

just rest in it

to give an honest full update on my spiritual life the past month or so would take me probably a few hours. more energy than i have now. but i came across some of my own words yesterday i had written 3 months ago, and it didn't mean a whole lot then, but yesterday, it brought me to tears.

At the Lakeaway retreat the first week of august, Andy asked us to write down where we wanted ourselves to be in 5 days, spiritually. I wrote down that I wanted to stop fighting to win God's love and just rest in it. When I read over those few words, my mouth dropped. That's basically what I have been struggling with the past few months, and the realization that relief is just as easy as simply finding REST in Him...it gave me goose bumps.

With everything that has been going on in my life the past month or so, I have got so caught up in fighting to win God over or prove that I am worthy of love. Why do I need to do that? I'm not worthy, but he loves me anyway! Thank GOD!!

a hearts cry

mainly, the last half. but this song is my hearts cry.

<33

and I just watched fireproof. i can't believe how many times i cried! haha...but seriously, if you have a chance, go watch it! I was particularly fond of it, but what I got out most was that Jesus loves me even when I continue to "spit in his face". And that I'll only know what love means through my savior because He is true love. If you want a wake up call - I suggest you watch it!!

Here's another great video...

you want honesty?

so i had a really harsh realization tonight. really really harsh. I've been consuming myself with things other than God. Mainly, my boyfriend. But it is so much worse than it sounds. I've gotten way deeper in over my head. So far, I can't get myself out. I need help. But it is really great to have friends that will be blatantly honest with you. This is why I have Sarah. She knows me better than anyone else in this whole entire world. And she knows when I'm lost. And right now I'm so super confused about a lot of stuff. And she told me tonight that I am consuming myself too much with Wes. Which I didn't realize was true...and I didn't realize HOW TRUE that was. It is sad really. Sarah asked me what would I do if I lost all contact with Wes for a week. And my response made me realize that I have officially been consuming myself with him instead of THE ONE who needs to consume me, Jesus. Somehow I managed to get myself to this horrible spot. I had no idea what I was getting into. God gave me this really great guy but I didn't know it actually involved WORK. So every time I felt like I needed to work at this, I avoided it. I said "nah, I'm good, I got this...we'll talk about Jesus next time" until I became desperate. Desperation for Jesus in this relationship. Desperation for J E S U S. It was hard Saturday night because I was at the end of my rope. I had no more to hang on to, and I cried out to Jesus. I needed Him and I was really scared because I didn't feel him there. If I was early in my walk with Christ I would have some major doubts after that, but I know that I have a LOT of things blocking my relationship with Christ. One main thing is me and Wes not being able to be open with each other. Another thing is my prayer life and intimacy level with Jesus. Another is studying the Word of God. Another is trusting God. Another is being obedient. I'm failing in all these departments. And honestly I'm scared to post this blog because I don't want ya'll to think that I can't lead this life group. I have somehow got myself into a low point with God. Really low. But I realize this. I realize what I have done and what I need to do to change. So now it is about being held accountable. I'm talking with Andy whenever he gets back into town. Sarah is going to be that voice all day "so ...have you talked to him yet? have you prayed yet? huh, have you? do it, now"

For the past several weeks I have felt like i've had a very very foggy mind. And not until this weekend did it completely over take me. Friday night was a very VERY hard night. I felt completely disconnected from everything and everyone. I didn't even recognize myself. Woke up saturday and felt a little better but still knew that I was so empty inside. But I still couldn't explain why. Where was God? I was asking for Him Friday night, but where was he? Saturday night I went to the service for Roots. I needed it. I got to cry. Cry to Jesus like I haven't in a long long time. But still where was He? I couldn't explain why he wasn't here. Until someone said something, "what are the things that are keeping God from speaking to you?" ...I realized it is me that has to make a change in my spiritual disciplines. What have I been doing that is keeping God far from me? So now I knew why God seemed far, because of something I was doing specifically, but now what was that? I have to figure it out so I can change it and feel God's presence when I call on Him. Tonight after life group, Sarah and I last minute decided for a late night IHop visit. Went completely different than I expected. Realized all those things mentioned above that I have been doing, got me to this unhappy empty point i am at right now. God is very alive in my heart but I have put so many things infront of him for so long, i feel like i have completely blocked off all communication with him.

but now that I know why I am at this point, I know what needs to change. And believe me when I say I am so ready. I'm so DESPERATE. I am upset that I let myself get to this point, of desperation, but then again we should always be desperate for Jesus. So maybe I'm teaching myself a really hard lesson that I needed to learn.

I'm so sorry God. SO SO SO SO SO SORRY!! You are the only one who I can rely on. The only one who makes me feel full. The only one who gives me truth. The only one who gives me guidance and strength and courage and wholeness. The only one. But I have been trying to let other things give me all those things that only you can give me. And I let it go on way way too long. So now I'm here, broken before You, Father. Asking for your mercy...and forgiveness...and cover me with your grace...even though I don't deserve it...I need it. I need YOU soo much. I have this really heavy weight pushing down on my heart and I want it lifted. I want to be free. Release me God. Help me get through this. Take my worry off this next week and what I know I need to do and what I have to do...I miss you somethin terrible. I know You are holy. But I don't realize the fullness of your holiness. Show me a glimpse though, father, of your holiness. Of your greatness. Your kindness. Your mercy. Just a glimpse Father, so maybe I can start to realize it. I love you for all that You are. Even though I don't feel You, I know you are here. I trust You still, with all that I am. I trust that one day, very soon, You'll wrap your arms around me, and make me feel whole again. I love you. I'm desperate for you God.

me n God.

so to follow up with my previous post, sorry it took a while - pretty busy with school, work, & the boyfriend! But wow... God is so faithful! I drove down to brackenridge park last friday and sat next to the stream that flows through it and God met me there. in a BIG way! It was hard and I was trying way too hard so it took a lot of LISTENING. I had to just stop trying and focus on the wonderful Savior and praise Him for what He is. I got the clarity I was looking for. Now I can say this is where I am supposed to be. Here in San Antonio, leading this life group, walking side by side with my new love, Wes. Seriously...SOO excited for this journey! It's so wierd how nothing was going right a few months ago. NOTHING. But I kept hope. I trusted that God would work out everything for the good, and now look where I am!! WOW is all I can say. When you think the world has you down, don't fear my friends, for you are on the side of the one who conquers all fear and who loves you more than anything.

I miss Him

It has been way too long since I've been in the presence of the Lord. Especially at an intimate level. Tomorrow I have one goal. Meet God in that place where I am so comfortable. Rest in His peace. Get His advice. Thank Him for showing me what He has done in me and the purpose He created me for. I really don't know what to do at this point. Well I know what to do, but how do I go about it effectively? I have no other out sources except Him. I am sorry I have been looking else where for help. It's time to realize there is no other place I should be looking than to that empty cross.

I have a bunch of things to take care of tomorrow, but first thing is first.

God, I need you. As I transition into this chapter of my life, help me keep sight of you. Keep touch of you. Be able to breathe you in every second. Sometimes I forget what my life cost, and I am so sorry for that...your graceful heart though, your peaceful touch, and the amazing journey I see ahead of me, I thank you for. I'm sorry that it took me so long to come to you. But I'm here now. And I know, by your grace, that is all that matters.

everything rides on hope now

Can you get there from here? Power of destination.

Again, Pastor Jeff directly spoke to me this past Sunday. What is it with this guy and knowing exactly what I need to hear! We are all on a journey. But we have to have the end envisioned in mind so we know where we are going. When you have a destination in mind, you can stop and say “can I get there from here?’ and see if you are off course. But if you have no idea where you are headed, it doesn’t matter. Also it's important to have a mission statement for your family. I love Pastor Jeff's. "Love, serve, minister, and lead ourselves and others into a more intimate relationship with the Lord, Jesus Christ." That way, when you get off course you can stop and say, "am I loving, serving, ministering, and leading myself and others into a more intimate relationship with Jesus?" If not...then simply stop doing whatever it was you were doing that got you off course.

The power of destination. Can you get there from here?

I'm just going to type.

After a brief talk with a mentor of mine, I realized I had forgotten how theraputic it is to just write...even when there is nothing specific to write about...even when I don't have this awesome story to share...how was my week?...what about work?...school started yesterday, how was that?....so thats what i'm gonna do. might be boring but hey, at least i'm writing. you teach yourself a lot when you write...well, ramble rather. so here goes my ramble!

Yesterday, the 25th of August (its coming to an end...can ya believe it?), was the first day of my last semester at Vista. I've been attending this school since fall of 2005. Normally people get in, and no more than 2 years later, get out. Well, 3 years ago I was starting my first semester, and it feels soo long ago! I'm so ready to get out! More than anything though, I'm ready to have something accomplished. I haven't felt that great feeling in a long time. Accomplishment. What does that even mean? What does it feel like? Something you have been striving for....working hard for...putting in ton of hours, money, energy to complete, is complete! You no longer have to worry about it because it is DONE! And then that sudden feeling of the weight being lifted off your shoulders. sigh of relief...no more headaches because you're stressed about all the assignments due tomorrow...no more late night cram sessions...ahh free at last! success! accomplished...i can't wait for that feeling! come december i will be one happy girl.

i also have a lot of big decisions coming up. move home or stay here? there is nothing i can do about that right now except pray like crazy. and ask everyone else to pray for me. this is a huge decision and i currently am not 100% sure what I should be doing. I feel like I should stay here...but if you asked me if i knew fooor sure that this is what God wanted, I couldn't tell you yes because I haven't prayed enough about it. I need someone to keep me accountable for that. I should be able to do it on my own but...mer...I remember at night when I'm going to sleep but I need to remember to do it during the day and in my busy schedule it always gets away from me...

i'm so interested in finding another job right now. there is so much i could say about that, but i won't. just...i need a job that pays me way more and still works around my school schedule (until jan of course! :] )

What really matters

Jeff Harris nailed on the head a few weeks ago. Stop living in the future. You are wasting away your life if you are constantly worried about tomorrow. So now I ask the question, what really matters? What in your life can you live for right this second?

Jesus. Family. Friends. People who I want to be my friends.

I'm reading this book called "Why They Call Him The Savior" by Max Lucado. It's seriously amazing. It talks about pure grace. God does not care where we have been. What we have done. Why we did it. As long as we call Him savior, and do so believe, He is saving us a place in Heaven. How insane is that? Like the story of the crucified crook. He was there on the cross with Jesus and looked over to him and straight up just asked him basically if he could go to heaven. He said he believes, and so he wants a place in heaven. First of all, what kind of crazy person would live the life of a crook and then face to face with Jesus have the guts to ask himself into heaven? Then the most ridiculous part, Jesus says yes!!! This guy is minutes away from death. He will not be able to feed the hungry, give to the needy, say grace before a meal, share the good news...but Jesus did not care about that part. He believes, so there will be a spot for him in Heaven. How amazing is that grace?? Can I get an Amen-ah! Hallelujah! haha no but for real...and to think he views all of us the same. We can all say "well i'm not as screwed up as that guy...so i know i'm going to heaven"... but thats not even the freakin point. gaaah! kla;fadjflasjd its just crazy to me. the love my savior has for me blows my MIIIND. i have to go think on this for a while.


oh and im starting a life group!! im so so excited!! I am seeing why God put me through all these trials & tribulations now... because I could NOT have led a life group 6 months ago.


and i have a wesley. :) he's super amazing to me and God definitely has a plan for us! its crazy!


I also bought a bracelet today for a nice little reminder. It reads "For God did not send His son to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him." John 3:17. Can I get an Amen-ah! :) Totally took me back to the winter retreat....there is nooo condemnation in Christ. :)

Hi God, yes I hear you.... loud & clear!

It's a strange feeling to realize you are listening to God and hearing him and seeing him put things in front of you that he wants you to do. So a little over a week ago I was absolutely certain that come December 14, I would be moving back to St. Louis to live with my parents. I had prayed about it a little, not enough (of course...like always) but...I really felt that with everything that was going on in my life, I was supposed to move up there. Then I go on the retreat. Then Wes happens. Then Amy wants me to be a life group leader (well...Amy is just a messenger for God really...haha) . And the one reason (before Wes) that I did not want to leave at all was church, and I really really feel a strong tug at my heart that I'm supposed to be at grace point. I have since I started going there. I feel like a retard because God is so apparent and now I feel like He doesn't want me to leave but I didn't see it. But God wouldn't just change His mind. So was I just blind before? Was I not listening close enough? Was I just taking the easy road out? Thats what I feel like. Now mind you, I really don't want to leave, but honestly, that would be the hard thing! Because if I stay, I'll need to find a place to live...CHEAP!!...worry about getting a better job...saving money & getting out of debt...ah! I know that if God wants me here and I obey Him, he will provide. But what I am struggling with right now is the decision I am going to have to make. I am very thankful that He is showing me all these things, because I would hate to move, and it not be the right decision, and realize it after I get up there.

That is my prayer request, friends. Please pray that I gain clarity. And can trust God fully. Ahh!

I woke up this morning, and had a new experience. I guess while my mind was still clear from an amazing night of sleep, I realized I was doing a pretty good job of trusting God with everything except finances. He needs that part of me. I am so so poor, but I also make poor choices with my money. So, I pray that as I start this obedient act, I do it for the right reason, stay prayerful, and gain clarity from Him.

little reminders

I feel like God is working things out for the good in my life, because I love him! (Mike Sharrow pointed that out in scripture last week) He's constantly sending me little reminders that I am in the right place and to keep trusting Him. This is going to be an exciting experience but I'm not letting go of my savior...who, without, I would be completely lost!

I praise you God for those little reminders. I ask that you would bring clarity into my heart about these big decisions I'm going to have to make. I want you here for all of it, Lord...not just some!

Interesting

My prayers were answered...but not the way I expected.

This weekend I found great fellowship and communion but this wall that i have felt between me and God for the past oh...few months or so...still was up and it really was starting to scare me. because i pray and read the word and wanted that wall to go away so badly and wanted to feel his presence around me... but did he meet me like I wanted at the retreat? nope. instead he met me in my car driving home after hanging out with sarah for a few hours. timing is impeccable. seriously...

he'll never forsake me, his love never ends...it never ends.

i still have a hard time understanding that concept.

Thank you God for showing me a lot more than I expected this weekend...but mainly that you are still there even though i can't feel you. I'm glad you let me realize that it wasn't my fault this weekend. And that I have been hanging on through the storm. And you will never ever forsake me.

"by your side until the end
until your standing strong again, i'm here
i'll always be here..."

my prayer for this weekend

I pray that this weekend is filled with love and new friendships. Mostly I pray though, that all of us experience God in a mighty way. I pray that all of our hearts are changed forever. I pray that God meets us in the midst of our faults and shows us how much he truly truly loves us. Our God is mightier and stronger and BIGGER than the rest of this dark world. His light will warm our faces and most of all, warm our hearts. I pray that all of our hearts get lit on fire for God. And when we come back to reality, we can shine that light to those who haven't quite found the amazing strength God gives when you seek Him. If this weekend can be as half as amazing as the winter retreat was, we will be in great shape! I can't wait to spend time with everyone this weekend. But most of all, I can't WAIT to spend time with my God in his element. Ah! I'm so excited :D

Homesick

Last night I had a case of homesickness. It was one of the worst cases since I've lived here. I almost want to just pack up my car and move home this weekend. Degrees are over rated anyway....

just kidding. i'm not going to do that. but i really really want to :/

Just make up your mind already!

I have said this more times than you know recently. Mainly to myself. I never realized how hard it is to commit to something fully 100% with no regard. I have done this several times in the past, but without little thought. Like moving back to Texas for example, I just saved up some cash, packed up my stuff, and drove down. Even moving to St. Louis for that matter...little thought, just compulsive decision making. But after going back and forth, I have came to one big conclusion, if God hasn't been the focus of any of these decisions, then you are probably making the wrong one. So when you are seeing the consequences of your decisions, and being negative, you realize you did it all wrong, you want to go back and do it all over again, but let God in this time. But that doesn't work. You can't just go back. You have to go forward. And let God stand right beside you, holding your hand and whispering in your ear what you need to do next. This isn't as easy as it sounds. Especially when you have a million other things going on and you can't just clear your mind enough to think...well...clearly. Today Mike Sharrow talked about Psalm 23. But he did what we did at the Live It Out retreat...when we dissected James...he did that, but with Psalm 23:1-3. We've all heard it a hundred times, but I'll put it down for the sake of explaining. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." The Lord God...almighty maker of heaven and earth IS my shepherd. Not was, not will be, not for the bad times, not for the good times, he is my shepherd. My shepherd...which means I am the sheep...who is needy and vulnerable but also very valuable....so my shepherd...who is there to do what is best for me. Show me the quiet waters where I can drink from. Be my protector in the night, take me to the place where I won't go hungry. ... My soul is restored...restoration...the one true part of me that holds my dreams and my fears ... he restores it. heals it. makes it new. ....

Father, I know you are here. Your hand down by your side just waiting for me to grab hold. tight. and never let go. I have a lot of decisions to make that will drastically change my future, but I trust in You without regard. I know that you will show me where I should go that will have the green pastures I shall eat from and the still waters I can drink from. I know that through the hard times, you will restore my soul. I think you for being my shepherd. My guiding light on the shore. I'm coming...I promise. Hand in Hand, father, I thank you for never leaving my side.

politically incorrect

My new government teacher who insists on being "politically correct" not only made himself look like a moron but offended several people in my class. I walk in about 2 minutes early to class, so it was pretty full. I sat down (not that it matters now, but later it matters...I sat down next to a black guy) I didn't think anything of it because well...it's 2008. As the teacher is calling roll he is asking where people are from and cracking stupid jokes about it. He gets to me and I tell him I'm originally from Kentucky. (Boy do I wish I would have just said "I've lived here all my life") He then proceeds to say "Oh I thought people up in Kentucky didn't sit next to black people". .......... What am I supposed to say that? Maybe if this was the 30's or 40's and we haven't gone 40 years past integration, yeah that would be appropriate, but who the helllllll are you to say that?! Puts me, the guy sitting next to me, and the whole class in a very awkward position, just because you are trying to be "funny".

This might be the worst 4 weeks of the year.

last thing i feel like i should be doing

is sitting here writing.

my ears won't pop. i can't stop sneezing. my head feels like its gonna 'splooodee. i feel a cold coming on for sure.

God, I am so aware of the fact that You know what you are doing. I need to see this, because I need to learn to trust you completely....with everything I am! I am sorry for not coming to you completely. I pray that you push all my distractions aside. school, work, money, school, friends, money, schoooooool.... and let me focus on what my real purpose is. or what Your purpose is for me. I am sorry for not trusting you when it's difficult. It's easier to trust someone through the easy stuff...but I'm just so scared to give it up to you. And I think about it logically and rationally...and it doesn't make sense that I am scared! Of course you can handle the situation way better than I can, but then I lose control, and don't know whats going to happen, and lose that sense of expectancy and that makes me feel vulnerable and I am scared of that. Thank you for being amazing. And for your sense of humor that I discovered tonight while talking to Sarah. :) You were totally looking down on us going "ahaha....see! i can make jokes too!" nice one! loved it :) Please give me the courage and strength I need to know what to do and say for the next few weeks. You know my heart more than I even understand.... I know I need to trust you though. Please God, take away all the insecurities I have built up and tear them down. I want to give them all to Youuuu! And God....I'm sorry that it's been too long. I miss you so terribly much.

came to my rescue

Lord all I am is Yours,
my whole life I place in your hands
God of mercy humbled, I bow down
in Your presence, at your throne
I call, you answer and you came to my rescue and I wanna be where you are. ♥


um, thanks Hillsong for saying the words in my heart right now!

God, thank you. Thank you so so much. For friends. Family. Rain. Movie time with old friends. For spontaneous bible studies with friends. For pouring your heart into mine. For transforming me. For being sovereign. For who You are in meee. I trust you, 100%. I'm struggling... but I pray for courage and determination and mercy. You have no idea how much I love you. Except you do.... :)

getting there

It is awesome to see God pull you through the lowest points. He is always sovereign. And I am so grateful for that. Words can't express.... :)

crying is good for the soul but not for the head.

If I think back to my life 6-8 months ago and then look at my life now, I'm completely amazed at how God has transformed me. I have found God and He has definitely found me time and time again. More than ever before. I have amazing friendships centered around Christ. So what do I do? I feel so alive in His spirit at grace point and with all the people I have met through there. And meeting these amazing people have taught me how to have solitary worship as well; how important it is one on one with God. I can't put into words how grateful I am for these experiences. I'm having such a hard time trusting God right now though. I feel so close, closer than ever, but how can I, at the same time, feel so far?

If I move back home, I am afraid I'll lose it. Plain & simple. I'm scared I'll lose all the friendships that have gotten me through the lowest places. And I'm afraid that I'll drift back to that lonely place again. Being at Grace Point is the best thing I could have ever asked for. It's my home. I guess I feel that way because it's where my heart is.

But I'm in a huge predicament. I can't afford to live here. In December I'm gonna have to move back home. And that makes me very sad.

Patience

It's interesting to see the kind of people that walk into Family Christian Stores. Most of them are amazing. Sweet, kind-hearted, patient, funny.... but a handful a day are rude and impatient and just plain MEAN. It is very hard for me to have a good day after those kind of people come in.

Why do we let impatient people get to us? Isn't that being impatient? If we let them ruin our day, then we get an attitude and become the same kind of person that just annoyed the crap out of us. I don't think thats what we want to happen. But it is so so sooo hard to keep a good attitude towards someone who comes in and thinks the world revolves around them.

"12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:11-15

I like how patience is last. Probably because it's the hardest of all those things. To have patience you have to bear with each other...be patient..forgive grievances...patience...Jesus forgives us and has patience with us each day...so we must do that in return. I had a struggle today with patience. I am prayerful that God will help me have patience like he has towards me.

I've been trying

But have I been trying hard enough? How much is enough? I have this strange feeling. One I've never felt before. It's a strange "wall" of some sort between me and God. But it's not like a brick wall or anything...maybe its just like a ...mesh curtain. I can still see him, feel him, breathe him in, but I still feel separated. Like when I'm worshiping...why do random thoughts cross my mind? I'm trying to focus on my savior, and really listen to the words of the song, and let it hit me, but I'm thinking about the homework I have due the next day, or what time I have to be at work. I'm thinking about anything except the words I'm singing. Now that I have 3 summer classes in full swing, I keep putting off my bible time. No excuse. Might have to do a myspace cleansing again.

I do praise God for all He has done in my life. Sounds cliche, but it's the honest truth. The thing that bugs me the most, is i feel like I have it so good. I have no real hurdles around me. I have no big temptations, (we always will have those...mine currently is putting off my bible study), and I feel that if I would actually just focus on Jesus and how amazing He is, I would be at such an amazing place.

I pray that I spend more time one on one with God. That he would be with me and all my overloads of homework - and help me time manage everything so that I can finish my homework. Please take down this wall, or curtain...or whatever it is separating me from you.

I'll wait for you there...down on my knees where I met you...

Tonight is one of those nights where I felt like rolling down my windows, blaring hillsong, and driving into the hill country to stargaze. After a worship experience like tonight [props to Jesus for showing us He is still in control....we need that reminder every now and then] there isn't much you can say except God is amazing. There is this quiet place where He takes us. No one is around. But the company is all you ever need. I'm at a loss for words really. God is awesome. His love is perfect. I understand the concept but I can't even comprehend it.

P E R F E C T L O V E.

How amazing is it that God decided we were worth it? Like...worth spending eternity with. Everyone else EXCEPT HIM will let us down. We'll get hurt. Feel betrayed. But the one constant ...the only thing you really need to feel complete...will never ever betray you. He'll never leave you. He'll never lie to you or let you down. Oh what love! I'm so thankful for the people I have around me to help bring me to the place I am in. I can't thank God enough for these people. They mean the absolute world to me. I am so undoubtedly in love with my savior, Jesus Christ. And I'm figuring out the rest as I go along.

Officially rut free!

Wow. I just went through my old blog entries from the retreat and I am so amazed at what God has taught me and the place he has brought me to since then. I have messed up a few times yes, but I am forever changed! I am free in Christ! I feel like sharing about my new amazing friend God has placed in my life. I don't know what it is and I can quite figure it out but Jessica is like...the friend that God knew I needed so He sent me her. I'm not kidding. She's like my little sister....but I am learning so much from her! It is so important in becoming who you were meant to be in Christ to have a person you can trust like that. And someone who is just basically....you're sister or brother in Christ. Completely centered and does nothing but help your spiritual walk. And we're accountability partners...which I neeeeeed! SO YAY

in your embrace

Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same as yesterday, today and forever."

How amazing is it that He is the same always! The same as He was yesterday. Still loves us. Today....he knows I love him even though I don't always act like it and he still loves me. Tomorrow, guess what...he is going to forgive me and forget whatever I did and love me still. Until forever! That makes me want to jump! and skip! and sing really loudly!

Thats really all.

He makes my heart all warm and fuzzy.

♥

everything I am for Your kingdoms cause

It shouldn't matter but it does. It shouldn't hurt but it does. I should expect it but I don't. God, I can hear you. It's faint...but I hear your voice. I thank you for being who you are in me. So powerful and quick to love. Teaching me how to love like you have loved me. Forgive like you forgave me. You can't win a war with hate, judging, and more war. First you have to show love. The kind of love of a savior. The kind of love where they don't know what to do except give up fighting and just love back. U t o p i a n .

I'll admit it. I was angry...hurt...upset...more than I have been in a long, long time. But where do those feelings get me? They get me nowhere. If I don't lose that feeling in my heart of anger or bitterness - it will only tear ME down. I am trying to become the best version of me. Jesus is showing me that no matter how hurt you are and how betrayed you feel, you have to forgive. GENUINELY FORGIVE. Show them the love that He shows you every day. I did the same thing to Him that she did to me. And He still loves me. And it's a deeper love that anyone will ever understand. I have to be like that. Be like Jesus.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 1 John 3:16

the day that true love died

all i ask is that I get through this stronger abiding in You.


I need my broken heart healed. I need friends that build me up, not tear me down. I want my granddaddy back. I want a college degree. I have an amazing best friend and his name is Jesus. He pretty much is best friends with anyone who wants to be. I find that I try to be a good friend to everyone else but Him. And I see that this is not a good thing. Broken hearts are for broken people. Jesus has saved me by his grace I am healed! I don't have a broken heart. I have a cloudy mind. I have people in my life that bring out the bad version of me. I need people that bring out the best version of me.

abandoned heart

Hold on, hold on
When the current pulls you under
And your heart beats like thunder
Just give me your hand
And hold on, hold on
Until the storm is over
And I'll be fighting for you
Just give me your hand

...

Please keep my eyes fixed on You
Please root my heart so deep in You
Keep me abiding, keep me abiding


....

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You, surrendered
All I am is Yours

I love it when I find songs that speak the words I don't have - but need so desperately.

i don't pray enough

plain and simple. flyleaf has some awesome lyrics.

Swirling shades of blue
Slow dancing in your eyes
Sun kisses the earth
And I hush my urge to cry

I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to
Runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you
I wanna be there for you



how many times do i realize and feel the conviction that i am not living for my best friend, like i promised Him i would, and then just pretend to not feel that conviction? I just blow it off. I promised my savior, that I would love Him and serve Him and honor Him, and i keep screwing up!!

You say that your strength is made perfect in my weakness. But I continue to fall on a daily basis. I'm pretty much tired of writing blogs like this. Thats why I don't really write anymore, because this is all they would be about.


I really don't like the road I see my life going. Other things have become priorities and this is not ok. not at all....

I feel like I get it all. I get that I'm a screw up, and that I have this powerful love of a savior just waiting for me....but i'm tempted and so easily give in all the dang time. i feel like i don't have the right kind of people around me. well...enough of them. and i also know that im too easily swayed to do the wrong thing...i'm not strong enough - well i don't feel strong enough to live like He wants me to (and like i know would be the best...) It's late and I'm babbling, so it probably isn't making any sense, but I know that my job at the christian bookstore has oddly enough got in the way of me staying on the ....i dunno how else to say it without sounding cliche, but the path to righteousness.



blahhhhhhhhhh


i normally don't ask for prayers, but i really do need it. i don't know exactly why...i just feel ...sad...and too far from God right now.


honestly i just want to be around my friends @ the tribe & at gracepoint more than i have been lately. they help keep me in line. i love my other friends to death, but they aren't doing anything for me spiritually....if anything they are hindering it.

slowing down

I apologize for the lack of posts in the past few weeks. I have no worthy excuses, only time wasted and words in my garbage can. First of all - May is quickly approaching! 2008 has gone by so fast. I'm shaking my head as I type this realizing it has no intentions of slowing down. It's true I want the 19th day of May to get here as soon as it can, but after that is there any possible way of just...stopping time? Seriously...at least just slow down! I feel like I'm running a marathon and someone else is moving my arms and legs. I feel the pain though. The inability to take a deep breath or really see whats passing me by. The sweat trickling down my cheek - almost feels like tears. I'm sure its a mixture of both. I should have stopped 14 miles ago, but that would leave me alone, no spectators, no one alongside, and a lot of unfinished projects. So there is really no choice but to keep

running.



Lord if there is any possible way of allowing me to stop and smell the roses without falling at the wayside, I'd sure love a tiny vacation. I need time away - well what I need is...time with You. Just You. Take me back to that place again. You know that I know that I need it. More than finishing my last few days at school. More than getting to work. More than anything, I need to be lost.....in You.

do it with a heart wide open

I can definitely pin point some huge turn points in my life. All of them come from a me making a huge realization or discovery of something I was never quite aware of in my life. Words of hope, encouragement, good intent...really do have this huge impact on peoples life. I think we could all change the world if we, instead of saying hateful, anger inspired words, displayed kindness, forgiveness, mercy, and grace. Something I'm writing on my to do list (first, i suppose I should actually make a to do list...) but the first thing on it will be to say something to brighten someones day everyday. Not because I have to, but because I know that will make them happier and in turn, they will do that for someone else (hopefully). Sort of "pay it forward" i guess...

Also, never be someone you aren't. God created me the way I was supposed to be. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that entails, but as far as I know, I have a bunch of great friends around me, and they love me for me.

It's been way too long since I've seen my family. Going more than 3 months is almost more than I can bare. By the next time I will see them, I will have gone the longest I've ever gone without seeing my mommy! :(

Well...bummer

Last night, I read probably 200 pages of Mistaken Identity. I got so enveloped in the Van Ryn's and Ceraks story I couldn't put the book down. This morning when I woke up I wanted to youtube the dateline special and watch it. So for almost an hour, thats what I did. Their story is so inspiring and hopeful. Their undoubtful faith in Jesus Christ inspires me to hold back with nothing, and have no fear for My God is bigger than anything. Little did I know the courage and strength I felt this morning from watching the Mistaken Identity story, would come in very handy in a few hours.

I'm sitting on the couch after eating breakfast watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition around 12:15. Andy (my adopted dad, who is treating me as his daughter since my real parents are 1000 miles away in St. Louis) walked into the house after being gone for the morning and saw me sitting on the couch and said "Where's your car?" Andy always jokes with me, trying to trick me and stuff, so I assumed he was playing around with me. So I said "shut UP!" thinking he was kidding. He looked at me, and right then i knew he wasn't kidding. In no way shape or form do I think my car getting stolen can even remotely compare to the Van Ryn and Cerak tragedy...but with watching and reading about it, and seeing their constant hope in Jesus through the toughest thing anyone could ever possibly go through I had a very serene calm attitude through it all. Yeah - having your car stolen with your brand new Ibanez acoustic guitar in the trunk SUCKS...but I know that for some unknown reason it needed to happen, and I trust that God will make something good come out of it.

I need this.

It's so obvious...I don't feel like my life is "a mess", but I have made a few yucky decisions lately and I can feel it. I can tell I have hindered my spiritual intimacy with Jesus. And although I know all Jesus wants is for me to come to him, not hide from him, I find myself just turning on the TV or listening to music instead of finding him, or more importantly letting Him find me. This is one disgusting cycle the enemy has me in. I thought it was over. I thought I had conquered it once and for all, but what I forgot is that he is always crouching at my door. And recently I've just been thinking his ideas weren't so bad. And thinking back I want to punch myself in the face. I have an issue with just saying no. And this goes for a lot of different things. I can't say no to good or bad things.

Lord, I am so sorry for screwing up yet again. I know I have a sinful nature, just like everyone else, but I don't want to fall victim of Satan again. You know every strength and every weakness inside my body - so I ask that you would please supply your holiness in every aspect, but especially to those that I am struggling with currently. I thank you for being who you are in me. I praise you for bringing me to a point in my life where I am able to see how relevant your will is in my life. I can't wait to see you face to face, Lord, and wrap my arms around you! Thank you for letting me screw up, so I can be shaped and crafted into who you want me to become. I love you!


Today, two of my oldest and best friends are starting a bible study. My job isn't letting me get what I need out of the tribe, so i am starting this small bible study so i can grow spiritually. But don't worry, because every chance I get I'll be at the tribe!

yes shane, you are so brill.

So far this book has been so far beyond what I expected, The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. This actually goes along with my last blog, about leading an abundant life. Would you still follow Jesus if there were no heaven and no hell? Do you have enough life, joy, and fulfillment that makes it worth it to follow Jesus now? WOW. Let me just tell you (lol Katy I stole it!) that saving us from heaven isn't what its all about. It's amazing that we don't have to live an eternity in the burning pits of hell because of our savior, Jesus Christ...but realize that's not the only purpose of Jesus! He came to make our lives abundant. When I Googled the definition of abundant (just to make it clear) it basically means in large supply or plentiful. So plentiful of LIFE and JOY and GRACE and a peace that only God the Father himself can give to you! Shane says that if you ask any person what a Christian believes they'll tell you "They believe that Jesus was God's son and He died for their sins." But if you ask them how they live they are struck SILENT. How awful! It's the sad honest truth that most Christian's do not live that much differently from an average non Christian. So what makes our lives so exciting that they should come join in on the party? Something has been weighing on my heart heavy lately and I can't quite put my finger on it yet. Yes , God sent his only (and favorite) son to die for our sins! And that allows us to enter the kingdom of heaven if so we just believe...but laaaaaaaaadies! and gents thats not the whole story. We were put on this earth to do a lot of things for the Kingdom of Heaven & one of those is bringing other believers to Christ. We can't do that by living just an ordinary life. Well...I suppose you can, but the impact just isn't as great.

I had one of those moments where I actually LOL'd reading this book. "I'm excited about the afterlife. We are going to party like there is no tomorrow (ummm, and there won't be)" HA! YES!

Lord, I thank you dying on the cross so that I get to spend forever worshiping you. But I also thank you for allowing me to have a fulfilled life here on Earth. Please show me how I can live abundantly and bring glory to You!

life v. abundant life

I have caught myself thinking about this living an abundant life thing that pastor Jeff was talking about last week pretty much every day since Sunday. The non believers who don't necessarily live a hard life (incarcerated, hard on drugs...etc) think their life is just as plentiful as any ordinary living christian. God didn't call us to be ordinary. He called us to live and follow and be soaked up in His every word. Living abundantly. Live your life in a way that any normal non believer will want to have what you have. What does this mean though? How would I go about that? Thoughts please....

Not until you seek an abundant lifestyle is when you truly expierence all that God has to offer you. And this is when you realize living for the Lord is the sole purpose you were put on this planet.


Just hooooow exactly do we get THERE?


ps. I want to drop my american literature class. I hate english and I have 5 other classes I need to worry about. So the 8 papers I have due before spring break...makes me want to drop this class. sigh of doom.

cloudy vision

Last week was bad. Not anything in particular, but I just realized how foggy my thoughts had been. I clouded it with mindless things. I can't remember giving the Lord His day once. Earlier I said that the enemy doesn't have anything on me....I lied. I forget that I have to be careful. He's so freakin sneaky! I hear he's been after a bunch of us recently, especially after last weekends retreat.. Seek HIM first. Geez I screwed up.

Thankfully, I am not condemned with Christ. :)

Lord, I am humbly brought back down to You and rescued from my own selfish thoughts & desires. It is You who I want to glorify every day. I know you already do, but please forgive me for not coming to You when it mattered. In Your Holy Name...Amen

grumble

the enemy is hard at work. trying to break down everything from last weekend. not today, dude. you ain't got nothin on me!


my belly says grumble grumbleee :/

God is bigger than our feelings. Uh huh...?

So I am thinking, do I go with my feelings, or no? I mean I did learn this weekend that we shouldn't rely on feelings, but i don't fully get that. How far do I take it? I have to be able to rely on feelings a little bit, or I'd be a numb robot. I guess it's a matter of what the feelings are and are they centered around God. If I have a crush on some guy...is it going to take away from my relationship with God? If so...then I should ignore them and pray that God takes away those feelings. Right? But it's okay to have feelings that nourish your spiritual walk? Am I close?


Stupid butterflies.

Going over Jason's sermon

[words in black are words i wrote down straight from Jason's sermon. words in green are my expanding thoughts]

My identity is in God. And He sees righteousness.

People don't go to hell because of their sins, but because they rejected Jesus who covered theirs. How many times have I heard this before? Probably a couple thousand. And all this time I thought it had clicked in my mind, but it hadn't. When we accepted Jesus into our hearts and was born again as a believer of Christ, thats it! Not to say, you can live in sin and not feel guilty about it, because thats not it at all. But when you screw up, God is not condemning you. That was the whole purpose of JESUS! To take that condemnation away. If you feel condemned its because someone else (yourself, Satan, or another person) is making you feel that way. Jesus came to this earth to SAVE his people. Can you even comprehend that? Any sin past present or future was taken care of. If you are saved by the blood of Christ, and then you sin, you feel ashamed and think you need forgiveness...listen...that's the enemy standing at your door trying to put up a wall between you and God. He has already forgiven you. AMAZING OR WHAT?!

Pray in faith, not fear! Jesus said we were going to the other side, and once the storm sets in, you must have faith that we will get to the other side. Praying out of fear is "Jesus, aren't you going to help me?"...Jesus says that is fear, not faith. You must have FAITH. and TRUST in Jesus. Too often, I pray because I don't have faith. If I had faith, I wouldn't say like "Jesus, please be with...please protect...please help...please please please..." I have to have a different thought process and feeling in my heart. I have to undoubtedly have FAITH that the will of God will be done. Jesus is our savior, of course He's going to make sure everything turns out okay. It's only when you start doubting, and having fear, is when you get yourself in trouble.

Knowing the will of God doesn't mean their won't be hurdles. Because today is preparing you for tomorrow. God is shaping us for who we were meant to be. If nothing ever went wrong and we never had to conquer anything, how would we know what it felt like? How would we be able to relate to people who are going through those things? So it is important to realize that while we are going through these trials you must have PURE JOY in the Lord. He is only making you who you were meant to be. He will never give you more than you can handle.

What is condemnation? Judging to be unfit use for God. To pass judgment on. Jesus did not come to condemn us, He came to be judged and die for our sins. He took care of it already! With Jesus, we are not condemned, because He was. God took the sin of the world and placed it on Jesus and He was judged and condemned so we could live free.

Condemnation does not come from God. It comes from Satan (the accuser), other people, and ourselves.

The consequences of condemnation is having no confidence with God. It affects intimacy. You do not enjoy the presence of the Spirit because you are ashamed. It hinders your prayer life and your intimate moments with God. Do you think God wants you not to come to him at any moment of the day? Whether or not you have messed up, do you think "he's mad at you" and just doesn't want to talk to you right now? Of COURSE NOT! That feeling you have of condemning and shame is from the enemy. He knows you are working for the kingdom, so he wants to try and stop that as quickly as possible. When we are going through struggles and mess up (because of course its bound to happen) you must stick closer to God than ever before because that is when the enemy is the strongest.

To live free of condemnation you must address the source. Renew your mind with the truth. Walk in truth, and do not buy the enemies lies! He tries to make you think you need something you already have, which is forgiveness. When you screw up, God has already taken care of it! You are forgiven! Thats what Jesus died for. He died once for all sin. That's the beauty of it. We are the righteous of God. But just because it's already taken care of it, doesn't mean you can live in sin with no regret. We want to be at rest with the Lord, and therefore if you sew love, you will reap rest. God wants to dance with us, and all we can do is look at our feet in shame and embarrassment. He wants you to look at him, not your feet. Jesus is a lover. Thats just the honest truth. He wants nothing more than to make sure you know how much he loves you. Stop looking at your feet, and just look at Him! How powerful is that?



It's amazing how many times something can be said to you, and it just never clicks. This weekend all that soaked deep down into my mind & soul. It changed my life. I will never live the same again! FREE OF CONDEMNATION!! :) :) :) :)

B.E.

Now that I'm home, I find myself struggling to have time to spend with God the way I did this weekend at the retreat. I didn't realize how tight the world's grip was on me until I was able to loosen it at alto frio. If I had a beautiful river in my back yard, of course I'd easily go back there every day and be with God, but sitting on my bed trying to feel His presence just doesn't seem as exciting or easy. I knew this was how it was going to be. And I know where you are isn't important when you are in the spirit, but it's just so much easier when you are on the bank of a beautiful river with the soft warm breeze blowing the trees and sweeping across your face. Because then you can see Him, feel Him, and hear Him. So I pray that I fight the enemies pull on me as I come back to the city, because I know it is stronger than ever. Now that he knows I'm working harder than ever for the Kingdom, he's gonna try to break me even harder. I also pray for courage and for wisdom from God. Friday night when we did that bible study, that was the best bible study I'd ever had! Getting that deep into the scripture was something I had never done before and it was so renewing. But through that, I learned that when you have wisdom and knowledge from God, it's harder for the enemy to pull on you. And you have less doubts and less worries and less fears. I want to be at a point where I am honestly QUICK TO LISTEN, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. That is so much more important that I realized. And to have PURE JOY, not forced joy, in times of struggles...that's what I want. I want to be that dependent on God.

I am so just...in awe of how much I am taking from this trip. Of course all the amazing friendships I made. Me and Vanessa decided we were basically the same person...and that's awesome! My quiet time Saturday morning was life changing. I just hope that everyone's was that amazing. I decided I wanted to go down to the river. I listened to Casting Crowns song "I Know You're There" and with the most beautiful weather I have ever seen I had never felt the presence of the Lord so strongly. When I was reading Blue Like Jazz a few weeks ago, he was talking about when he asked his friend what Jesus meant to him, and he started bawling. I thought that was the most amazing thing ever. To be so in love with Jesus that you are brought to tears to try to put into words how much He means to you. I wanted that so badly this weekend, and oh my gosh I can't even explain it. To stop listening with your head and start TRULY listening to your heart...to where you literally FEEL your heart listening, I seriously heard the spirit moving. It was the most intense and most amazing moment in my life thus far. People keep asking me how this weekend was, and I don't know what to say except, it was awesome. The Lord moved and changed a bunch of hearts. He made a lot of us truly understand things He had been trying to tell us for years. How can, in less than 2 days, your heart feel so much different than it did before? I just pray I don't lose this. I know it's going to be a struggle to find You in a world full of sin, but I pray that I am obedient and have the courage I need in You to keep my walk going strong. I thank you so much for these amazing people I have come to know.

my weakness is talking

Writing is very therapeutic! You were right, Jeff! So here I am again...writing. I struggle with speaking. I can't seem to find the right words that fit together and make sense. I stumble on my words a lot and can never get across my point. GR...Tonight I was talking with a friend at Starbucks. We have been friends since our freshman year in high school, and I love this girl to death. She isn't Christian, but I have been praying that God will allow himself to speak through me to her. I don't have the words that she needs to hear...but I sure tried tonight. She went to catholic school for a few years as a child, but doesn't believe in God, but she said she does not NOT believe in God either. She is an agnostic, I guess? She always thought that Christians and Catholics were the same, which...I'm not even sure the difference...I just know we don't pray to Mary or carry rosary's around. My friend is someone who does NOT want religion pushed on her. And neither would I. It's offensive to someone who doesn't know. She did have all these questions, some of which I did not know the answers to. But I just wanted to get across the point that we are all sinners, and no one is perfect. Even those Christians that think they are perfect...um, they aren't. She has an aunt that is a very hypocritical catholic....not to say that we aren't guilty of being unchristian, but she is very condescending. So a. we are sinners. b. God sent himself in human form to be tried and tested so he could relate to us and ultimately die on the cross for our sins so we could be saved from Hell. c. there is someone who loves us more than we could ever possibly realize. Now all these were said in a UNPUSHY way. I didn't want her to feel like I was saying she had to believe this. She was curious...had some questions, and I silently prayed the whole way through that God would give me the words to say so that I wouldn't scare her away from Him. I mean...that is a big responsibility. I didn't do that great of a job, but I told her I would let her borrow some of my books, because she is interested in just knowing about it. I don't think I convinced her tonight that God exists and that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light. But I pray to God that I got her thinking and contemplating it.

God, I pray for my friend, that you would help me to speak to her in a way that she would "get it". We all fall short of the glory of God, but you love us regardless. Please show her this, Lord. And please be there when I need the words to say, because without you I'm a rambling idiot.

If i'm being honest..

I feel like there's something in the way. I don't feel 100% wrapped up in Jesus when I'm worshipping. I have these thoughts in my head that are not of the spirit. I know that the enemy is right on my doorstep. And now that I'm growing so deeply in my relationship with God, he is knocking very loudly...but I don't think it's that. It feels like there is some wall that is still up. I think it's the trusting wall. I have been in scripture most every day...but I have something distracting me. And I can't quite put my finger on it....

Lord, I know you are the same as you were yesterday, today and tomorrow. But something with me doesn't feel right. I ask that you would take away whatever this is holding my relationship with you back. I want my heart to break for what breaks yours. I want to be passionate and wrapped up in you. Lead me to the cross. Love you...

so sometimes....

actually every time, I am just in awe of how God works through Jeff Harris. He has the purest PASSION for the Lord out of anyone I have ever met....even though I haven't met Jeff, I feel like i know him enough to say that. haha

Today's sermon was YET AGAIN amazing! I find myself so content and lost in Jeff's sermon every Sunday. I'm sure if you would glance over at me I'd have a ridiculous look on my face. haha

What I like to do usually every Sunday is relate Jeff's sermon to my life and talk myself through how I can apply it to me. The video clip they started out with was AWESOME! Pretty funny, to say the least. Well...here it is.




Now less than 2 weeks ago, I was saying "I want to tithe...but I can't afford it!" I don't even have enough money to pay my bills, and God doesn't need my money anyway...right? uh wrong. The point today was God just wants the first slice, and the rest is yours. Like He says..."seek me first, and the rest will be given to you" or somethin like that...i dont have my bible with me but you get the gist. If you make the decision to cut off that first piece, and it doesn't even have to be big! he just wants 10%! the rest will be taken care of. But you do it out of obedience and love because he is our God...not because you feel like you have to. If you have been keeping up with my blogs you probably know tithing has been something me and God have been working out lately. I know I screw up...and He knows that too...but it's so awesome to see the things He does for you when you are obedient and seek him first. Two weeks ago when I got paid the first thing I did was get on gracepoint.org and pay my tithe. All the bills were due 2 weeks ago, and I had enough for everything except my credit card payment. When i got paid friday, first thing i made sure of was that I gave God that first slice. He doesn't want our leftovers. He is our GOD. He loves us so much. He wants us to seek him first in everything we do. In money and in time. So I feel good that I am giving my portion to the kingdom of heaven, but I still need to work on being smart with my money. I buy spend too much money on food. Whether its healthy food at the grocery, or expensive food on the way to school...I spend too much.

When I was hungry, you fed me.

Today, for the first time with a humble heart, I gave money to a homeless guy begging on the street. My thought process used to go something like "Why should I give you money? You will just go buy a 6 pack..." But when Jesus said "When I was hungry, you fed me, and when I was cold, you clothed me, and when I was incarcerated, you came to visit me..." makes me realize that I am no one to judge who is going to use the money to better themselves and who is going to just go blow it on booze. This particular man could be very hungry, and I have no idea...he is asking for help and I should humbly give.


I had went to the ATM and pulled out some cash to fill up my gas tank. It took $5 less than I thought so I had an extra $5 bill. As I was sitting at the light after filling up, I saw the man and without a single doubt or hesitation in my mind I knew I had to give this man the money. It's not a lot, but it is enough to go buy him a warm meal if he wants one.

Also, I'm wanting to feed my addiction. I won't lie, it hasn't been easy this week not getting on myspace. You know you are addicted when you get on the internet and you automatically type "www.mysp..." backspace, backspace, backspace...very bad. But I have been able to do other more important things...like get a freaking A+ ON MY CHEMISTRY TEST! XD

I am THRILLED about the retreat this weekend! I can hardly contain myself!! I pray that God will truly let me fall head over hills crazy IN LOVE with him this weekend.

And! Katy is my new coworker! SWEET. We are gonna have some fuuun!







is it sunday yet?

lol...i found this on my old livejournal and i had to post it. it made me smile.

[when we went camping, im talking about a family friend at the campsite....and how redneck my family is...]
kackie also cracked me up a couple of times. first she was being a BIG redneck screaming across the campsite going "LUCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LUCY!!!! LUUUUUCYYYY!!" in a big country accent...then she was like "LUCY!!! BRING ME SOME CORN BREAD!!" hahaha as if it wasn't country enough. she added the "bring me some corn bread!" lol...and then later that night she sneezed and goes "well i didnt' pee" LOL!!!!! thats freakin hilarious i dont care WHO you are. ok...thats all the funny stuff i can remember for now

Finally the pace is slowing down! Back to working out more frequently, having a social life, and less stress.

Isn't it awesome that in the busiest times, somehow you manage to focus on the most important things? With everything that was on my plate in the past couple of weeks, He has shown me that I really can handle more than I thought. I just have to set my priorities in line and manage my time.

I've been thinking I want another tattoo. But this time it will actually have a meaning, instead of just some cute little picture. A calla lilly means magnificent beauty, and it's also my favorite flower! I want to put a bible verse with it that has to do with magnificent beauty but I can't find one, so if anyone finds anything let me know!

Lent

Ash wednesday came way too quickly for me. I was planning on doing lent this year for the very first time ever, and then the day after I decided that, it was ash wednesday! WHAT! So starting sunday, after reading up a little bit and making sure I know the full meaning of what Lent is supposed to be, I'm going to give up something that I do way too much that takes up way too much of my time and focus that time on growing closer in my relationship with God.

It will be my first of many fasts, I hope to come. The reason I have decided to do this was to minimize something unimportant in my life and give that time to God instead. This one thing I am giving up is myspace. I'm on there way too much. I could be reading my bible, praying, working out, and doing a lot of other things that would help me grow closer in my relationship to God. I figured I could do this thing first, give up myspace, to dip my toes into the water. To know what it feels like to be disciplined for my savior. Since I wasn't expecting ash wednesday, I'm going to officially start Sunday. No more myspace until easter. I have other ways you can contact me. My email is lisahaddix2268@yahoo.com, and I will still be blogging, since I feel that is actually helping my relationship with Him.

faneeeetooh!

I finally finished Blue Like Jazz! Probably the best read....well ever. I haven't read THAT many books, so this one definitely tops the list! The last 2 chapters were amazing. How to really love yourself and Jesus.

Don and I have a lot in common. But we are also very different. But one thing that he made me realize in the 2nd to last chapter was you can't accept someone elses love if you don't love yourself. You have to know you are worthy of love to honestly receive it.

I am letting the people around me decide my value. My value has to come from God. God wants me to receive His love, so I have to love myself. Love your neighbor as yourself. Love yourself as you love your neighbors.

What does Jesus mean to you?

In the last chapter, Don's friend Alan went around and asked a bunch of people questions. He asked this guy, Bill Bright a bunch of questions, and lastly he asked him what Jesus meant to him. Mr. Bright could not answer his question. Instead he started to cry. He sat there and w e p t . I want to love Jesus like that. Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus. But I want to fall inlove so deeply with Him....to where I weep at the sound of his name.


Father....I love you so much. Thank you for opening my eyes wider than they ever have been. I just want you to put a song in my heart....that song that sums me up and that glorifies you. Help me break down whatever it is inside of me that is not letting me truly love myself. Give me the securities I need to receive love so I can only fall deeper in love with you.

remember

hate is easy. love takes courage.

so long self...

Well if I came off a little distant, it's just because I am. Things just seem to feel a little bit different, you understand? Believe it or not but life is not apparently about me anyways, But I have met the one who really is worthy so let me say... so long self, it's been fun but I have found somebody else! [...MercyMe]

A couple of years ago I felt myself changing into this person that did things my way, still cared about other people, but decided to ignore that good voice in my head. Bad voice was sounding way more fun. So for a few years, Bad Voice was my conscience. But now, Good Voice has definitely got some duck tape and shut that stinker UP! I'm sure there will be a day when Bad Voice gets the tape off and tries to sweet talk some things, but Good Voice has learned some good vital lessons from the past. We know Bad Voice may have fun, but that fun is only temporary and leaves you feeling pretty crappy afterwards. Good Voice is definitely the say in how I lead my life. I only have one life to live, and I want to spend it worshipping my savior! I want to use my time and efforts to truly glorify his Kingdom. Bad Voice, I know you will always be there, and I resent you for that, but I know it is a part of this life. But ya know what, I won't fall for it again you turd. You got me once, shame on you, you got me twice...shame on me!


You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
Isaiah 26:3

Father, I pray that even though I'm still battling the enemies voice in my head, that you Lord will show your power and glory and give me strength to overcome. Help me keep faith and my full trust in you....

He came here for the rescue of us all

Something really cool happened last weekend. I went to go see this band perform, Levi Smith at Jacks Patio Bar. Well I went to go use the restroom during a break in the set and I pass by this guy who looks SO familiar! It took me about 2 seconds to remember who he was, and after I realized, I turned to Sarah and said "THATS JUSTIN POOLE!" Justin used to live down the street from me when I lived on trailway oak before I moved to st. louis. We worked together and he would give me rides to school in his old pick up truck. All we did saturday was glance at each other like "dude....?" haha but we didn't say anything to each other just because it had been so long and we weren't really sure if either of us were who we thought we were. So I get on myspace the next day and I have a message from him. So we start talking, and I go look at his myspace. His blog says something like Sovereign God. And he has another blog with a Christian song and the daily bible verse and a pic of Jesus. I had to bring it up because when I used to know him...if myspace existed, he would NOT have those things on his myspace. He went on to say that he was pretty much at his wits end, into drugs and not going anywhere in his life. He said he met this girl who was serious about her faith, and she got him going to church and he decided that Jesus is the best way to go! This for me...was so awesome. Just because I knew him way back when, then didn't speak to him for YEARS, and now that we've reconnected, I hear how Jesus has changed yet another life. This makes my heart smile.


How awesome is it that week after week we hear of how Jesus has transformed yet another life? He finds us in the darkest place....

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." Matthew 5:6

I feel like I'm going in the right direction

About 4 months ago I was so confused about what I wanted to do and wasn't happy with anything really in my life. Not that I was going through really rough times, but having just moved out on my own, it wasn't going so well. But now I can say that I'm SO HAPPY! Don't get me wrong, I miss my family like CRAZY! It sucks not having them in the same state as you...but I am surrounded by wonderful people. And I'm finally thinking clearly, thanks to grace point. I'm living with Cristi & Andy in their new house and it makes me feel good to be here. I love them to death! Janet, Megan, Tony, Angie & Linda are SO FUN to work with! I loooove them! Especially when Megan wants to play alien face or poke wars. Tony's birthday is coming up and we are doing something AAAAAAAAWESOME for him! I pray it all works out!

I'm sad I had to miss If... tonight, and it looks like for a while now, I'll have to be closing wednesday nights, but I want a mid-week bible study SOO bad! Sarah, Tara & I are going to start up a small discussion. Sarah bought the book tonight at the store, and we are going to find a day that works for all of us and get togetherr. I'm excited!

OOO also, so sunday I officially became a member of Grace Point and I'm going to help out on the baptism team. I'm excited. I wish I could sing in the choir every last sunday of the month, but I have classes until 7:45 on thursdays. Sad day...

ok so some blogs will just be like this. not necessarily deep thoughts, just simply whats been going on.


i recommend you listen to caleb collins. he is amazing.

"it's not about your possesions, it's about what possesses you." - Pastor Jeff Harris

Must I reiterate how amazing my pastor is, because I feel the need to do that. Pastor Jeff started a series on....simply I could say finances, even though it's MUUUCH more than that. I have a struggle with tithing and being obedient. I know that I can't bring my Ipod with me to heaven...I know that my music collection won't be transferred into heaven when I go....I do, I know this. But the thing with Grace Point, and Pastor Jeff, is he makes those things CLICK. Where you go..."ooooooooooooooh!!! now i really get it" See, the things that make us who we are on earth isn't our awesome cars, or awesome houses, or awesome electronics. How many people have we helped have a relationship with Christ? Even just been a helping factor in their relationship....how many times can you count that you have told someone that you'll pray for them, and then actually dropped everything you were doing, got on your knees and prayed for that person, right there? what about when God is telling you to go talk to that person who looks really alone, and tell them how wonderfully He has changed your life?...Jeff made us close our eyes today in service and picture a two-story house. On the bottom floor is everything that is temporary in our lives.....picture said items. Now...start up the stairs...up here is anything that you received, gave, did out of obedience of God...out of faith, out of service...whatever helped your relationship with Christ and whatever helped someone elses relationship with Christ. now what do you see? ...those things are what will be with you for eternity. the ONLY things that truly matter. it's almost like i really want to take some red and blue stickers and go around my life and put blue stickers on temporary things and red stickers on things that are going to be waiting for me in heaven. My struggle is tithing. This is not an excuse. I am 20 years old, been living out of my parents house for about 6 months (OMG I HAVEN'T COUNTED THOSE MONTHS IN FOREVER!!WOW!), I work a part-time job making a little more than minimum wage, and go to school. On top of all that, I'm trying to be healthy...and being healthy is expensive. So, my priorities are all mangled up. I have all these things that go before tithing. that go before GIVING to my Lord Jesus...who gave up his LIFE...for me? HOW MUCH SENSE DOES THAT MAKE?! ...wow, i suck...

Obedience...

Evaluate your life. Honestly, I'm going to make a list and a budget. Before anything, I need to give. Then I need to be smart, and not buy that really good cd that i want SOO bad! Pay rent. Pay credit card, phone, car. Buy gas, food. Whenever I run out of money....as long as I have been obedient, I know God will provide.

my prayer today is that I will open my eyes..."have an eye for obedience"...that Jesus will show me all I need to do is focus on the things in my life that will be able to go to heaven with me. It's ok to have an ipod and listen to it every day, just as long as your ipod doesn't possess you.

Where am I?

Pretty sure this has happened to everyone, you know...you go spend the night at a new friends house for the first time and when you wake up, that sudden second of panic and fear that lasts for a bout 1.32 seconds. WHERE IN THE HECK AM I?! ...oh right...then you are brought back down to a level of comfort and probably go back to sleep.

For the past couple of years or so, my life has sort of seemed like a slumber party at a new friends house, in the sense where when I "wake up"...I have no idea where I am or what got me here. Shortly after I am calmed by my loving Savior that He is bringing me through the fire...The scary place I thought I was in, isn't that scary. It's a journey. A place in time where I have to be to get to where I'm going. But man...that initial eye opener is frightening.

I'm constantly learning and growing in my relationship with Christ. I feel my heart becoming warmer and easier to forgive. It's not as tight as it once was....

i hate peas

....heath ledger will no longer have any new movies that i can go and enjoy. this breaks my heart, a little. i feel bad that he had to die alone, sad and on drugs. that is the worst way to go, thinking that drugs is all you have...

someone i knew quite well for a little while, dated him while i worked at pizza hut, died about a year after we stopped talking alone from a drug overdose. when you hear that news all you want to do is make sure the people you love, KNOW you love them. give an extra smile or two today to someone who looks like they are having it rough....and what else can you do except PRAY to God that he isn't alone anymore. And that his family has a lot of support....the saddest part is his 2 year old daughter, Matilda...now has no daddy. pray pray pray


nothing else seems important, so thats all

yeah so i'm corny.

im slacking at the new years resolution, blog more. blah. not that i haven't had time, i just started this when i was in st. louis and had nothing better to do. Now i have school & work and sort of a life. But juuuust to clarify, I want this blog to capture my spiritual journey. Yes, I'll be random sometimes (hi, name's lisa...and i'm random), but for the most part, its gon be bout mah JESUS! whenever i talk to kayla, she makes me wierd and i just got off th ephone. sorry bout that. and apparently, i'm corny. didn't realize it, but it's true. it's ok. corny is good. i'm looking for corny in my life. oh! i love the holiday. ok enough with the random blabblees

So, I tried to become a member at Grace Point in November of 07, but they said i couldn't because of how funny my toes smell.

see, wierd i tell ya.

Now its Jan and Grace Point has a new members class! soooooo it was sunday and the last one is this sunday. i realizedd that i've never in my life had a moment where i felt so content? ...thats a bad word, but basically, I know absolutely without a douuuuubt that i'm supposed to be at Grace Point. Once Pastor Jeff gave his speech about either God called you to this church or he didn't, and if he didn't R U N. after that...I was 145% sure that my place right now was to be at Grace Point. And when you've never had that feeling before, it's pretty freeing! I've actually been the one to feel like I don't belong a lot of the times, or like I made the wrong decision in moving somewhere. But finally, I have my place. And I am so excited to be on this journey. (yeah kayla, i'm so corny like jiffy pop)

I've been working at Family Christian Stores, and it's great but I am a teensy bit worried. I know you probably think i'm silly, but I don't want to lose focus, and I feel like I might working here. Ok i dont feel like I will, but i do know that I have to really pray hard and WORK at staying focused on my journey. Jesus throws me curve balls sometimes, and a few times lately, I've totally missed. I haven't struck out yet, so I'm gonna have to be on top of my game next time. I have to EXPECT those curve balls, ya know? so i can grand slam those suckers. ok enough with the baseball analogy. like i said, only a teensy bit worried. just one of those things i'll overcome.

So, I need to pray more. I don't do it enough. And honestly, I don't know how to pray outloud because I never do. I don't think Im the only like that, but....it's a possibility. and thats sucky. Also, I need to read my Bible more. Family Christian gave us the new max lucado through the bible in a year for christmas...and I've ready it a couple of times, and actually last night I was really into it. But I was SO EXHAUSTED I couldn't ready any extra.

no excuse though.


So today at work this lady goes off about how mean we are and how she's been in 3 times and every time she gets ignored, because shes fat and ugly and old. ? Then later someone comes in and says that she's been to several other family christian stores and no one is as nice as we are. because we give them extra punches for making extra purchases. and like our customers. and this lady who said it, was not young, skinny or pretty. i'm just saying...Jesus does a good job of sending you people when you need it.

I guess thats all for now. Levi smith this weekend oMGG XD


love,

Lisa

here at the alter...

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong-way-travelin'-slowly-unraveling shell of a man
Burnt out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart
Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my
Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I...

Cry, like so many times before
But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord
I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through
Between the altar and the door

Here at the altar, oh my world so black and white
How could I ever falter
What You've shown me to be right
I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me
Jesus, I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me




this is my favorite song right now. actually any on this CD...oh i love it.

and in this craaaazy life.

back to texas, back to busy! I wanted to take quick minute out of my super busy day today to write a little. My room is so messy!! That's my main focus today is cleaning. Also getting my paychecks! I have 2 coming this week, for that one week when i worked 39 hours at one job and 30 at the other. Sigh...if only I could do that every week, I'd be RICH! haha... But I need to pay off a credit card that has gotten a little too out of control & give Sarah's mom some money. I owe her a lot - she's been letting me live here for over 2 months for free! Oh and then I get to go work tonight....YAY! no really...i'm excited. I worked at Family Christian for two weeks then took a week and a half off for vacation. I didn't work hard enough to need a vacation...I'm ready to go back! I miss it.

So the biggest thing going around the news today are the presidential elections, 08! Right now, I'm thinking Mike Huckabee. But I'm still not 100% convinced. Possibly Obama...but not sure. This is actually the first year I get to vote. I JUST missed it in '04!

Another thing...I feel so bad for Britney Spears. I grew up with her basically in the lime light, and she is just in a bad downward spiral. Someone who is not going to judge her, will love her, and care for her, and bring her back to good health, needs to go and pack her suitcase, let her live with them and have about 340934 police officers making sure that NO ONE gets in. no one. thats my thought...because this girl is only going to get worse with the stupid papparazzi going nuts over her. chris crocker did have a point....LEAVE HER ALONE. lol...buuuuuut seriously! it's gonna be another princess diana story, or anna nicole smith....and that would make me very sad. i just feel really bad for her.


time to finish cleaning!


oh and i'm starting to count calories. 1100 a day for now. exercising about 5 times a week. this isn't really a 'new years resolution' because that's been my resolution for so many years...and i've only gotten fatter. so i'm just ready to change my life, feel better about myself, and be more confident.

hairspray

If you wanna see a great movie, I suggest you rent or buy Hairspray. Awesome girl plays the lead who isn't what hollywood normally calls pretty gets Zac Efron!! Heck YES. Thats my kinda movie.

Youtube is my obsession. That's nothing new, trust me - but I find so many great things on there!! Especially going back to my insane obsession with that boyband that was popular in my childhood. My memories live on that website & it's awesome to just go back and relive it all. Don't judge me and my dorkyness.

I think I'm going to try to find a cheaaap efficiency to do me for a while. The living situation is kind of awkward right now, and I would rather just have my own place to go home to and put all my furniture in, even though I appreciate what everyone has offered and done for me! Even though I know I'm probably not, I feel like a bother, and that feeling isn't nice. I wanna bother myself, not anyone who is sticking their neck out for me.


I fly back to texas tomorrow to start back work and school for another 4 months. I'm anxious.

life lessons and resolutions.

I think it's necessary, because its so real, to share all the life lessons I have learned and gathered in 2007. This has been one of the most growing years for me. I decided to take life in my own hands and expierence what life felt like when I did what I wanted to do. I had fun, made memories, but also felt more lost than I ever have felt before. I lost some friends but I gained some new ones too. Honestly life is what you make out of it. If you want to waste your life away with partying, then I really hope you realize soon it is the most empty feeling ever. Nothing is worth what Jesus did for me on that cross. I have been raised as a Christian all my life, but until I tried things my way and saw only destruction, I didn't truly realize the price that was paid for ME. I didn't realize how much grace can save you. How living our God is right now! And that He is just waiting for us to reach out our hands to him...He's standing right there! Take his hand!

I've had a few particular friends for years now. We all know how sometimes, unfortunetly, we don't appreciate the loving people you have right infront of you. So this year, what I'm going to try and do - is realize the people that love me, and tell them how much I love and appreciate them way more than I did last year. I didn't do it nearly enough. Anyone that has done anything nice or generous for me, I'm so appreciative. I'm not the best confronter in the world, and try to avoid awkward situations at all costs, and even though its a lame exuse as to why I didn't say thank you or I appreicate you, it's all I got.

Basically I learned that you can fall and it's ok, because when you get back up, you'll only be stronger. And to love those around you and hold tight to those who love you because in the end it's all you will have. And no matter what - Trust in Jesus! He's there to love you and carry you through this crazy world. He's not here to judge, whatever things you've done wrong, you've already been forgiven! He just wants you to reach out to him...I can't get over how amazing that is!!

Ok - enough ramblin...I think I got my point across.

Here's to 2008! It's gonna be great! ha

my attempt at resoluting

here's a shot at succesfully going through with one of my new years resolutions - BLOGGING! Blog is a fun word, and you know...I wish I had more of my life blogged. So here it is, 2008 you will be blogged! Nothing for now, maybe later tonight.

You should check out Chad Overman. He's my favorite!