last thing i feel like i should be doing

is sitting here writing.

my ears won't pop. i can't stop sneezing. my head feels like its gonna 'splooodee. i feel a cold coming on for sure.

God, I am so aware of the fact that You know what you are doing. I need to see this, because I need to learn to trust you completely....with everything I am! I am sorry for not coming to you completely. I pray that you push all my distractions aside. school, work, money, school, friends, money, schoooooool.... and let me focus on what my real purpose is. or what Your purpose is for me. I am sorry for not trusting you when it's difficult. It's easier to trust someone through the easy stuff...but I'm just so scared to give it up to you. And I think about it logically and rationally...and it doesn't make sense that I am scared! Of course you can handle the situation way better than I can, but then I lose control, and don't know whats going to happen, and lose that sense of expectancy and that makes me feel vulnerable and I am scared of that. Thank you for being amazing. And for your sense of humor that I discovered tonight while talking to Sarah. :) You were totally looking down on us going "ahaha....see! i can make jokes too!" nice one! loved it :) Please give me the courage and strength I need to know what to do and say for the next few weeks. You know my heart more than I even understand.... I know I need to trust you though. Please God, take away all the insecurities I have built up and tear them down. I want to give them all to Youuuu! And God....I'm sorry that it's been too long. I miss you so terribly much.