Sunday, February 20, 2011


why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering
If we stop sinking
Could we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned
We’ve finally come to terms,
We are the outsiders.

Needtobreathe has been super inspirational to me lately. Thankful for them & their awesome music!

It's wierd that I haven't figured this out until now. But I guess I had to learn it on my own. Pastor Jeff has been talking about suffering for Christ lately. Not a very uplifting sermon, but sometimes you need the flat out hard core truth. I appreciate it, seriously! But I think people expect to have Jesus save them from all their troubles. Or expect Him to make life easier in every way. And while He does make life easier to GET THROUGH....being on the same side as Christ brings a whole set of new problems. And you wanna know why? I just figured this one out. It's because following Christ in a world full of sin is like standing in sinking sand. Or like paddling up current. Or like trying to fly in a hurricane. It's next to impossible. to...but yet, it's what makes us strong. It's what builds "God-like character". We are flipping through John 10 & 11. It's pretty incredible. It also reminds me of James. The book of the bible I know the best. I wish I knew the rest of the bible like I know James chapter 1. Haha. I don't know the passage well enough, but they ask Jesus why do they have to suffer. Or why is he blind? Did he do something wrong? Did his parents do something wrong? And Jesus simply says he suffers so God can have the glory. Thats it! We suffer to build our character, shape us into Godly people, that ultimately brings glory to God. How incredible...and scary! But it's definitely awesome to understand that. Trials come and go, but I can't be suprised by them. They are there for a reason. And my job is to get through them stronger. Thankfully, I'm not on my own.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Dirt covered snow

its like a winter wonderland out there. on the way to work this morning i wasn't able to help but thinking of the beautiful things God continues to give us & how again - humans screw it up & make it look disgusting. snow is BEAUTIFUL...untouched. but covered in exhaust fumes it's gross.

sort of like me.

but God decides to shower down another blanket of pure snow to cover all the ugly.

Everything good in my life, I'm pretty sure I've somehow screwed it up by being a crappy person. But each morning, God wants nothing more than to let me start new.

I really have to start believing that. So is that what it means when they say "God's mercies are new every morning?"


Sunday, January 30, 2011

I'm back!

Well here I am again, writing on this blog! It's been over a year and a half since that has last happened, so let me tell you what brought me back.

My friend Nicole, a friend from high school, messaged me and asked if I had a blog because she wanted to start blogging. At that moment the only technical blog I had was a tumblr account. I didn't really use it for blogging...more as a combination of twitter/facebook, constantly reblogging pictures of vampire diaries, zac efron, jonas brothers, awesome photography...etc. So that all happened last night - I told her my link & that was that. Well this morning I wake up and in my email I have a notification from blogger that someone commented on my blog "I'm Broken - Wide Open" about a Marilyn Monroe quote. Wierd timing....but it made me miss this blog a little bit, so I came back over & spent a little bit of time reading through my old posts and I always love doing that! To relive my spiritual journey. To remember a time when I was constantly questioning, battling, thinking, and processing Jesus. It's a whole lot better than what I do now.

I always find it weird to think about why I am in such a crappy place, spiritually. I don't do drugs. I don't drink in excess. (One or two beers a month is about what I do...if that) I don't have sex. I don't do anything major that would make me hang my head in shame & avoid talking to God. The only thing I feel that is got a hold on me is my lack of drive. I should pray...but I don't. I should read scripture...get to know my God more...but I don't. I should wake up every sunday excited for church...but I don't, until this morning. And I finally made it to the college age bible study on thursday night, and from there - a few snowball events have happened & now I very possibly might have a group of girls that I could open up to & experience community with.

The reason I'm here, and have been so stagnant, is because I don't have any christian friends who were willing to experience life with me. I mean i have those friends but they are really far away in Texas. That does me little good in St Louis. That is why i miss it soooo freaking much sometimes!

But thursday night was sort of an "abouuuut FACE" for my spiritual life. I hope its the turn I needed to make. I woke up this sunday morning and am excited to get into that building and worship God.

But now I need to go jump in the shower or I'll be late!

Sunday, July 26, 2009


go there, be happy.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

New Blog

For those of you who are still following me I made a new blog. I figured, new city, new job, new school, then I need a new blog. Fresh is a better word. So if you still wanna know what I have to say (should be better this time, at least more consistant, so I say :)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

freedom reigns in this place

Don't have much time (whats new!) but I did wanna make a little update, not really for any of ya'll but mainly for me.


God has freed me from everything I had to deal with at the beginning of the year. SO FREE! It's a wonderful feeling.

K. thats about all I have time for, or else I'd write for daaayyys!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I heart ....

So i got onto today and was browsing through the blogs that I follow, and saw Kyle Burkeholders blog about "things that I heart" and how he had stolen the idea from Tfani Tyler, and since it's such a beautiful sunday, I have decided to do the same. I encourage you to do it as well... it's great to be reminded of all things that make your heart smile.

I heart
The first few days of warm weather after a cold winter.
Funny shaped post-its.
the silence of the countryside!
my mommy
movie dates
showers after working out
eli young band
the idea of selling what i own and traveling the world
my freckles
Jesus Christ
really soft green grass
driving to boerne to gaze at the clear texas night sky
genuine worship
sleeping late
kitchen supplies
the idea of decorating my apartment
the clarity after i make big decisions
my apartment complex. seriously!
older dogs.
taking pictures of nature
going to watch live music
running into an old friend
my babies @ the daycare.
making new friends
talking about the Love i found in Jesus
cleaning when i'm in the mood.
buying a new cd
my lifegroup
the comfort of family
the idea of growing a garden
game nights!
learning the guitar
my daddy
my little brother
and big one too.
pastor jeff's sermons
alana's voice! lol
making new friends
the beach

...and I could go on and on.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

God, I want You to ruin my life!

Soooooo hi! I have decided that I'm gonna start prayin this prayer. [see subject line]. For soooo long, well for like 6 months or MORE I have been living my life the way I want to. In the beginning of those six months, it was what I thought God might want, but really, it was soo what I wanted.

I started a study at grace point tonight, Search For Significance. I really haven't even started it yet. Today was introduction, but I should prepare ya'll for more bloggys. Cuz you know...once my spiritual life starts bloomin' thats when my bloggys start bloomin'. =) I felt myself take another step today.

OH. So this week was "I'm Your hands". And honestly, I dont say the prayer every hour. Infact I never say it. I don't have an hourly alarm thingy. But funny story, theres this girl at my work who blatantly confessed to me, she didn't need Jesus. She said it in a light casual way, but still. I was struck silent! I probably couldn't help the look I gave her, but she just said it in a way that was like "um HOLY CRAP". I didn't know the words to say, so I somewhat prayed for the words. Not a hard prayer, but I knew that I needed to say the right thing or this girl would never come to know Jesus. She is catholic, and (no offense to any catholics) she said that she thinks its sooo boring just sitting there and listening to the guy talk for 30 minutes or more. And (again no offense) I told her, "yeah if i had to sit through a catholic mass, i'd probably be really bored too!" haha... :) ? .. lol, but then i went to tell her about grace point and how i know exactly what she means, but Pastor Jeff has a way of talking and making it all seem so real that time doesn't really pass when he's talking. In fact, 45 minutes can go by and it feels like MAYBE 10 minutes. And I told her she should come sometime. I know that this was God opening up the opportunity. I know he has many many more conversations to be had with this girly. And as I grow closer to Him through these next 7 weeks as I go "on the search", I will pray that I can convince this girl she DOES infact need Jesus, that is if she wants to go to heaven.

OKay, so God, please ruin my life! the plans I have are sooooo terrible and not working. And I know that YOU know that I know that :) LOL but God how wonderful are you to not hold that against me. to not be the God who says "i told ya so". To be the God who lets me jump right back up into his arms and start over. thank you so much!! i love youuuuu a lot! thanks for tonight and for bringing me into this amazing group of girlsss! yay! im so excited.

Monday, March 16, 2009


for some reason, i have been super intrigued by theology lately! Mainly the theology that supports the fact that Mormonism is a man made religion/cult. seriously. click on "religious movements" that website is AMAZING. I've always wanted to be able to invite a mormon in, and defend my faith against his, but never knew enough, but this website equips you to do just that. and i seriously think i could so make a mormon speechless! ah! im excited =) and i needed to share!!

also, for those that are curious. last week at lifegroup, first time in a long time i have felt the spirit of God workin in my tough little heart. I know He's been there the whole time, but I just haven't felt Him...but last week, I felt Him, it was just a little's small steps, but it was very exciting! scary & exciting! I'm on my way back home....and I'm starting to smell it's scent now! Kinda like if God was baking fresh chocolate chip cookies for me, yeah I can totally smell them.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

stupid is as stupid does

so i just finished watching forrest gump. I haven't seen that movie in YEARS but it was 5 dollars at walmart and so i bought it. I mean that movie is an absolute necessity for any movie collection. Anyway... I didn't think I'd be sitting here at the end of the movie completely inspired. I mean, no matter how much (or little really) the movie related to my life... when you are in a certain state of mind, you are going to relate whatever is going on to your life somehow, and I think thats what I did. I did something really stupid the other day. Nothing that would harm me physically but a lot of harm emotionally and spiritually. Soo without coming right out and saying it (mainly because im too embarrassed), but I did see him. I dont know why i did. Seriously. I dont know why! I can't figure out what logic I used to make myself drive to Jim's at 11:30 at night. But whatever it was... it was temporary. I KNNEWW i wasn't supposed to OBVIOUSLY, but I wanted to. Really really badly. I know I'm not the only one who has been in this situation. You go back...even though you know its wrong, even though you know there is no way it could lead ANYWHERE... you go, because you are lonely and just want to be held for a little while. But after watching Forrest Gump... why am I wasting MORE freaking time not getting ANY better? But getting worse? I had made all this progress...and even realized I dont really love him anymore (=D)... but then I go back and let myself fall into this blind hole, not knowing if I'll make it out again. GOSH I'm sooo stupid! he subject line says...stupid is as stupid does! haha... i guess i really dont know how many fall backs i'll have because i can say i wont ever go back, but then somehow i did.... but i guess whats good is that the time in between is getting longer and longer. I am taking a step forward. And hopefully no more steps backwards. This life is the only one I get. I've heard that so many times...and realized it so many times... so if I know I'm not doing something good or doing something that is benefiting me in the long run, why am i still there? And not just with this situation... Tomorrow morning I'm waking up early and working out. I have almost completely decided I'm going to nursing school in about a year. (time should be right by then...hopefully God willing...) and I'm just done wasting my time on things that don't matter. Even if i think they do...they don't. It sucks to be alone... and days when you have nothing else to do and wish he could come over... those are the really hard days, the few days when i've failed have been those kind of days. but its time i start giving back my time to the one who really cares about me. who really wants me. which brings up another thing. WHY AM I SO STUPID. oh wait, i already brought that up. but here i am... STILL in with this guy. who doesn't really want me back. im letting myself be his inbetween girl until the other one comes down here. but i am REFUSING to go back to God when HE wants me more than anything else in this entire world. even after I have hurt him time after time after TIME AFTER TIME. ... it makes no sense to me. my pretty stupid.

ok seriously this time. NO MORE!!!!!!!

please, God no more....