B.E.

Now that I'm home, I find myself struggling to have time to spend with God the way I did this weekend at the retreat. I didn't realize how tight the world's grip was on me until I was able to loosen it at alto frio. If I had a beautiful river in my back yard, of course I'd easily go back there every day and be with God, but sitting on my bed trying to feel His presence just doesn't seem as exciting or easy. I knew this was how it was going to be. And I know where you are isn't important when you are in the spirit, but it's just so much easier when you are on the bank of a beautiful river with the soft warm breeze blowing the trees and sweeping across your face. Because then you can see Him, feel Him, and hear Him. So I pray that I fight the enemies pull on me as I come back to the city, because I know it is stronger than ever. Now that he knows I'm working harder than ever for the Kingdom, he's gonna try to break me even harder. I also pray for courage and for wisdom from God. Friday night when we did that bible study, that was the best bible study I'd ever had! Getting that deep into the scripture was something I had never done before and it was so renewing. But through that, I learned that when you have wisdom and knowledge from God, it's harder for the enemy to pull on you. And you have less doubts and less worries and less fears. I want to be at a point where I am honestly QUICK TO LISTEN, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. That is so much more important that I realized. And to have PURE JOY, not forced joy, in times of struggles...that's what I want. I want to be that dependent on God.

I am so just...in awe of how much I am taking from this trip. Of course all the amazing friendships I made. Me and Vanessa decided we were basically the same person...and that's awesome! My quiet time Saturday morning was life changing. I just hope that everyone's was that amazing. I decided I wanted to go down to the river. I listened to Casting Crowns song "I Know You're There" and with the most beautiful weather I have ever seen I had never felt the presence of the Lord so strongly. When I was reading Blue Like Jazz a few weeks ago, he was talking about when he asked his friend what Jesus meant to him, and he started bawling. I thought that was the most amazing thing ever. To be so in love with Jesus that you are brought to tears to try to put into words how much He means to you. I wanted that so badly this weekend, and oh my gosh I can't even explain it. To stop listening with your head and start TRULY listening to your heart...to where you literally FEEL your heart listening, I seriously heard the spirit moving. It was the most intense and most amazing moment in my life thus far. People keep asking me how this weekend was, and I don't know what to say except, it was awesome. The Lord moved and changed a bunch of hearts. He made a lot of us truly understand things He had been trying to tell us for years. How can, in less than 2 days, your heart feel so much different than it did before? I just pray I don't lose this. I know it's going to be a struggle to find You in a world full of sin, but I pray that I am obedient and have the courage I need in You to keep my walk going strong. I thank you so much for these amazing people I have come to know.