you want honesty?

so i had a really harsh realization tonight. really really harsh. I've been consuming myself with things other than God. Mainly, my boyfriend. But it is so much worse than it sounds. I've gotten way deeper in over my head. So far, I can't get myself out. I need help. But it is really great to have friends that will be blatantly honest with you. This is why I have Sarah. She knows me better than anyone else in this whole entire world. And she knows when I'm lost. And right now I'm so super confused about a lot of stuff. And she told me tonight that I am consuming myself too much with Wes. Which I didn't realize was true...and I didn't realize HOW TRUE that was. It is sad really. Sarah asked me what would I do if I lost all contact with Wes for a week. And my response made me realize that I have officially been consuming myself with him instead of THE ONE who needs to consume me, Jesus. Somehow I managed to get myself to this horrible spot. I had no idea what I was getting into. God gave me this really great guy but I didn't know it actually involved WORK. So every time I felt like I needed to work at this, I avoided it. I said "nah, I'm good, I got this...we'll talk about Jesus next time" until I became desperate. Desperation for Jesus in this relationship. Desperation for J E S U S. It was hard Saturday night because I was at the end of my rope. I had no more to hang on to, and I cried out to Jesus. I needed Him and I was really scared because I didn't feel him there. If I was early in my walk with Christ I would have some major doubts after that, but I know that I have a LOT of things blocking my relationship with Christ. One main thing is me and Wes not being able to be open with each other. Another thing is my prayer life and intimacy level with Jesus. Another is studying the Word of God. Another is trusting God. Another is being obedient. I'm failing in all these departments. And honestly I'm scared to post this blog because I don't want ya'll to think that I can't lead this life group. I have somehow got myself into a low point with God. Really low. But I realize this. I realize what I have done and what I need to do to change. So now it is about being held accountable. I'm talking with Andy whenever he gets back into town. Sarah is going to be that voice all day "so ...have you talked to him yet? have you prayed yet? huh, have you? do it, now"

For the past several weeks I have felt like i've had a very very foggy mind. And not until this weekend did it completely over take me. Friday night was a very VERY hard night. I felt completely disconnected from everything and everyone. I didn't even recognize myself. Woke up saturday and felt a little better but still knew that I was so empty inside. But I still couldn't explain why. Where was God? I was asking for Him Friday night, but where was he? Saturday night I went to the service for Roots. I needed it. I got to cry. Cry to Jesus like I haven't in a long long time. But still where was He? I couldn't explain why he wasn't here. Until someone said something, "what are the things that are keeping God from speaking to you?" ...I realized it is me that has to make a change in my spiritual disciplines. What have I been doing that is keeping God far from me? So now I knew why God seemed far, because of something I was doing specifically, but now what was that? I have to figure it out so I can change it and feel God's presence when I call on Him. Tonight after life group, Sarah and I last minute decided for a late night IHop visit. Went completely different than I expected. Realized all those things mentioned above that I have been doing, got me to this unhappy empty point i am at right now. God is very alive in my heart but I have put so many things infront of him for so long, i feel like i have completely blocked off all communication with him.

but now that I know why I am at this point, I know what needs to change. And believe me when I say I am so ready. I'm so DESPERATE. I am upset that I let myself get to this point, of desperation, but then again we should always be desperate for Jesus. So maybe I'm teaching myself a really hard lesson that I needed to learn.

I'm so sorry God. SO SO SO SO SO SORRY!! You are the only one who I can rely on. The only one who makes me feel full. The only one who gives me truth. The only one who gives me guidance and strength and courage and wholeness. The only one. But I have been trying to let other things give me all those things that only you can give me. And I let it go on way way too long. So now I'm here, broken before You, Father. Asking for your mercy...and forgiveness...and cover me with your grace...even though I don't deserve it...I need it. I need YOU soo much. I have this really heavy weight pushing down on my heart and I want it lifted. I want to be free. Release me God. Help me get through this. Take my worry off this next week and what I know I need to do and what I have to do...I miss you somethin terrible. I know You are holy. But I don't realize the fullness of your holiness. Show me a glimpse though, father, of your holiness. Of your greatness. Your kindness. Your mercy. Just a glimpse Father, so maybe I can start to realize it. I love you for all that You are. Even though I don't feel You, I know you are here. I trust You still, with all that I am. I trust that one day, very soon, You'll wrap your arms around me, and make me feel whole again. I love you. I'm desperate for you God.