stupid is as stupid does

so i just finished watching forrest gump. I haven't seen that movie in YEARS but it was 5 dollars at walmart and so i bought it. I mean that movie is an absolute necessity for any movie collection. Anyway... I didn't think I'd be sitting here at the end of the movie completely inspired. I mean, no matter how much (or little really) the movie related to my life... when you are in a certain state of mind, you are going to relate whatever is going on to your life somehow, and I think thats what I did. I did something really stupid the other day. Nothing that would harm me physically but a lot of harm emotionally and spiritually. Soo without coming right out and saying it (mainly because im too embarrassed), but I did see him. I dont know why i did. Seriously. I dont know why! I can't figure out what logic I used to make myself drive to Jim's at 11:30 at night. But whatever it was... it was temporary. I KNNEWW i wasn't supposed to OBVIOUSLY, but I wanted to. Really really badly. I know I'm not the only one who has been in this situation. You go back...even though you know its wrong, even though you know there is no way it could lead ANYWHERE... you go, because you are lonely and just want to be held for a little while. But after watching Forrest Gump... why am I wasting MORE freaking time not getting ANY better? But getting worse? I had made all this progress...and even realized I dont really love him anymore (=D)... but then I go back and let myself fall into this blind hole, not knowing if I'll make it out again. GOSH I'm sooo stupid! ...like he subject line says...stupid is as stupid does! haha... i guess i really dont know how many fall backs i'll have because i can say i wont ever go back, but then somehow i did.... but i guess whats good is that the time in between is getting longer and longer. I am taking a step forward. And hopefully no more steps backwards. This life is the only one I get. I've heard that so many times...and realized it so many times... so if I know I'm not doing something good or doing something that is benefiting me in the long run, why am i still there? And not just with this situation... Tomorrow morning I'm waking up early and working out. I have almost completely decided I'm going to nursing school in about a year. (time should be right by then...hopefully God willing...) and I'm just done wasting my time on things that don't matter. Even if i think they do...they don't. It sucks to be alone... and days when you have nothing else to do and wish he could come over... those are the really hard days, the few days when i've failed have been those kind of days. but its time i start giving back my time to the one who really cares about me. who really wants me. which brings up another thing. WHY AM I SO STUPID. oh wait, i already brought that up. but here i am... STILL in with this guy. who doesn't really want me back. im letting myself be his inbetween girl until the other one comes down here. but i am REFUSING to go back to God when HE wants me more than anything else in this entire world. even after I have hurt him time after time after TIME AFTER TIME. ... it makes no sense to me. my rationalizing...is pretty stupid.

ok seriously this time. NO MORE!!!!!!!


please, God no more....

Hurricane

I have built this city here, half with pride and half with fear. I just wanted a safer place to hide, but I don't wanna be safe tonight. I need You like a hurricane, thunder crashing wind and rain. Tear these walls down, I'm only Yours now. I need You like a burning flame, a wildfire untamed. Tear these walls down, I'm only Yours now.



siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

of

doooooooom



gahh i love that song.

i couldn't do it

2 nights ago i tried to sit down and write a blog...but as the thoughts flowed, so did the tears...and i ended up not being able to make it to the end. I feel like God is blessing me though with my job...the other girl I work with is super nice and has a great relationship with God so we get to talk about it. This past sunday at church, it occured several times where Pastor Jeff said something and I was like "ahh! i know..." Even sarah looked directly over at me to make sure I was hearing what he was saying. Thanks pastor Jeff. Haha... So what's happened is I've cheated on my God... and instead of being angry and not loving me, he just wants me back. But of course it's going to take time... for healing...so i'm on that course. It wont be easy... so any help i could get would be appreciated....but i'm back on this journey...to Him not away from Him =)