in your embrace

Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same as yesterday, today and forever."

How amazing is it that He is the same always! The same as He was yesterday. Still loves us. Today....he knows I love him even though I don't always act like it and he still loves me. Tomorrow, guess what...he is going to forgive me and forget whatever I did and love me still. Until forever! That makes me want to jump! and skip! and sing really loudly!

Thats really all.

He makes my heart all warm and fuzzy.

♥

everything I am for Your kingdoms cause

It shouldn't matter but it does. It shouldn't hurt but it does. I should expect it but I don't. God, I can hear you. It's faint...but I hear your voice. I thank you for being who you are in me. So powerful and quick to love. Teaching me how to love like you have loved me. Forgive like you forgave me. You can't win a war with hate, judging, and more war. First you have to show love. The kind of love of a savior. The kind of love where they don't know what to do except give up fighting and just love back. U t o p i a n .

I'll admit it. I was angry...hurt...upset...more than I have been in a long, long time. But where do those feelings get me? They get me nowhere. If I don't lose that feeling in my heart of anger or bitterness - it will only tear ME down. I am trying to become the best version of me. Jesus is showing me that no matter how hurt you are and how betrayed you feel, you have to forgive. GENUINELY FORGIVE. Show them the love that He shows you every day. I did the same thing to Him that she did to me. And He still loves me. And it's a deeper love that anyone will ever understand. I have to be like that. Be like Jesus.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 1 John 3:16

the day that true love died

all i ask is that I get through this stronger abiding in You.


I need my broken heart healed. I need friends that build me up, not tear me down. I want my granddaddy back. I want a college degree. I have an amazing best friend and his name is Jesus. He pretty much is best friends with anyone who wants to be. I find that I try to be a good friend to everyone else but Him. And I see that this is not a good thing. Broken hearts are for broken people. Jesus has saved me by his grace I am healed! I don't have a broken heart. I have a cloudy mind. I have people in my life that bring out the bad version of me. I need people that bring out the best version of me.

abandoned heart

Hold on, hold on
When the current pulls you under
And your heart beats like thunder
Just give me your hand
And hold on, hold on
Until the storm is over
And I'll be fighting for you
Just give me your hand

...

Please keep my eyes fixed on You
Please root my heart so deep in You
Keep me abiding, keep me abiding


....

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You, surrendered
All I am is Yours

I love it when I find songs that speak the words I don't have - but need so desperately.

i don't pray enough

plain and simple. flyleaf has some awesome lyrics.

Swirling shades of blue
Slow dancing in your eyes
Sun kisses the earth
And I hush my urge to cry

I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to
Runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you
I wanna be there for you



how many times do i realize and feel the conviction that i am not living for my best friend, like i promised Him i would, and then just pretend to not feel that conviction? I just blow it off. I promised my savior, that I would love Him and serve Him and honor Him, and i keep screwing up!!

You say that your strength is made perfect in my weakness. But I continue to fall on a daily basis. I'm pretty much tired of writing blogs like this. Thats why I don't really write anymore, because this is all they would be about.


I really don't like the road I see my life going. Other things have become priorities and this is not ok. not at all....

I feel like I get it all. I get that I'm a screw up, and that I have this powerful love of a savior just waiting for me....but i'm tempted and so easily give in all the dang time. i feel like i don't have the right kind of people around me. well...enough of them. and i also know that im too easily swayed to do the wrong thing...i'm not strong enough - well i don't feel strong enough to live like He wants me to (and like i know would be the best...) It's late and I'm babbling, so it probably isn't making any sense, but I know that my job at the christian bookstore has oddly enough got in the way of me staying on the ....i dunno how else to say it without sounding cliche, but the path to righteousness.



blahhhhhhhhhh


i normally don't ask for prayers, but i really do need it. i don't know exactly why...i just feel ...sad...and too far from God right now.


honestly i just want to be around my friends @ the tribe & at gracepoint more than i have been lately. they help keep me in line. i love my other friends to death, but they aren't doing anything for me spiritually....if anything they are hindering it.

slowing down

I apologize for the lack of posts in the past few weeks. I have no worthy excuses, only time wasted and words in my garbage can. First of all - May is quickly approaching! 2008 has gone by so fast. I'm shaking my head as I type this realizing it has no intentions of slowing down. It's true I want the 19th day of May to get here as soon as it can, but after that is there any possible way of just...stopping time? Seriously...at least just slow down! I feel like I'm running a marathon and someone else is moving my arms and legs. I feel the pain though. The inability to take a deep breath or really see whats passing me by. The sweat trickling down my cheek - almost feels like tears. I'm sure its a mixture of both. I should have stopped 14 miles ago, but that would leave me alone, no spectators, no one alongside, and a lot of unfinished projects. So there is really no choice but to keep

running.



Lord if there is any possible way of allowing me to stop and smell the roses without falling at the wayside, I'd sure love a tiny vacation. I need time away - well what I need is...time with You. Just You. Take me back to that place again. You know that I know that I need it. More than finishing my last few days at school. More than getting to work. More than anything, I need to be lost.....in You.

do it with a heart wide open

I can definitely pin point some huge turn points in my life. All of them come from a me making a huge realization or discovery of something I was never quite aware of in my life. Words of hope, encouragement, good intent...really do have this huge impact on peoples life. I think we could all change the world if we, instead of saying hateful, anger inspired words, displayed kindness, forgiveness, mercy, and grace. Something I'm writing on my to do list (first, i suppose I should actually make a to do list...) but the first thing on it will be to say something to brighten someones day everyday. Not because I have to, but because I know that will make them happier and in turn, they will do that for someone else (hopefully). Sort of "pay it forward" i guess...

Also, never be someone you aren't. God created me the way I was supposed to be. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that entails, but as far as I know, I have a bunch of great friends around me, and they love me for me.

It's been way too long since I've seen my family. Going more than 3 months is almost more than I can bare. By the next time I will see them, I will have gone the longest I've ever gone without seeing my mommy! :(

Well...bummer

Last night, I read probably 200 pages of Mistaken Identity. I got so enveloped in the Van Ryn's and Ceraks story I couldn't put the book down. This morning when I woke up I wanted to youtube the dateline special and watch it. So for almost an hour, thats what I did. Their story is so inspiring and hopeful. Their undoubtful faith in Jesus Christ inspires me to hold back with nothing, and have no fear for My God is bigger than anything. Little did I know the courage and strength I felt this morning from watching the Mistaken Identity story, would come in very handy in a few hours.

I'm sitting on the couch after eating breakfast watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition around 12:15. Andy (my adopted dad, who is treating me as his daughter since my real parents are 1000 miles away in St. Louis) walked into the house after being gone for the morning and saw me sitting on the couch and said "Where's your car?" Andy always jokes with me, trying to trick me and stuff, so I assumed he was playing around with me. So I said "shut UP!" thinking he was kidding. He looked at me, and right then i knew he wasn't kidding. In no way shape or form do I think my car getting stolen can even remotely compare to the Van Ryn and Cerak tragedy...but with watching and reading about it, and seeing their constant hope in Jesus through the toughest thing anyone could ever possibly go through I had a very serene calm attitude through it all. Yeah - having your car stolen with your brand new Ibanez acoustic guitar in the trunk SUCKS...but I know that for some unknown reason it needed to happen, and I trust that God will make something good come out of it.

I need this.

It's so obvious...I don't feel like my life is "a mess", but I have made a few yucky decisions lately and I can feel it. I can tell I have hindered my spiritual intimacy with Jesus. And although I know all Jesus wants is for me to come to him, not hide from him, I find myself just turning on the TV or listening to music instead of finding him, or more importantly letting Him find me. This is one disgusting cycle the enemy has me in. I thought it was over. I thought I had conquered it once and for all, but what I forgot is that he is always crouching at my door. And recently I've just been thinking his ideas weren't so bad. And thinking back I want to punch myself in the face. I have an issue with just saying no. And this goes for a lot of different things. I can't say no to good or bad things.

Lord, I am so sorry for screwing up yet again. I know I have a sinful nature, just like everyone else, but I don't want to fall victim of Satan again. You know every strength and every weakness inside my body - so I ask that you would please supply your holiness in every aspect, but especially to those that I am struggling with currently. I thank you for being who you are in me. I praise you for bringing me to a point in my life where I am able to see how relevant your will is in my life. I can't wait to see you face to face, Lord, and wrap my arms around you! Thank you for letting me screw up, so I can be shaped and crafted into who you want me to become. I love you!


Today, two of my oldest and best friends are starting a bible study. My job isn't letting me get what I need out of the tribe, so i am starting this small bible study so i can grow spiritually. But don't worry, because every chance I get I'll be at the tribe!

yes shane, you are so brill.

So far this book has been so far beyond what I expected, The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. This actually goes along with my last blog, about leading an abundant life. Would you still follow Jesus if there were no heaven and no hell? Do you have enough life, joy, and fulfillment that makes it worth it to follow Jesus now? WOW. Let me just tell you (lol Katy I stole it!) that saving us from heaven isn't what its all about. It's amazing that we don't have to live an eternity in the burning pits of hell because of our savior, Jesus Christ...but realize that's not the only purpose of Jesus! He came to make our lives abundant. When I Googled the definition of abundant (just to make it clear) it basically means in large supply or plentiful. So plentiful of LIFE and JOY and GRACE and a peace that only God the Father himself can give to you! Shane says that if you ask any person what a Christian believes they'll tell you "They believe that Jesus was God's son and He died for their sins." But if you ask them how they live they are struck SILENT. How awful! It's the sad honest truth that most Christian's do not live that much differently from an average non Christian. So what makes our lives so exciting that they should come join in on the party? Something has been weighing on my heart heavy lately and I can't quite put my finger on it yet. Yes , God sent his only (and favorite) son to die for our sins! And that allows us to enter the kingdom of heaven if so we just believe...but laaaaaaaaadies! and gents thats not the whole story. We were put on this earth to do a lot of things for the Kingdom of Heaven & one of those is bringing other believers to Christ. We can't do that by living just an ordinary life. Well...I suppose you can, but the impact just isn't as great.

I had one of those moments where I actually LOL'd reading this book. "I'm excited about the afterlife. We are going to party like there is no tomorrow (ummm, and there won't be)" HA! YES!

Lord, I thank you dying on the cross so that I get to spend forever worshiping you. But I also thank you for allowing me to have a fulfilled life here on Earth. Please show me how I can live abundantly and bring glory to You!