I've been trying

But have I been trying hard enough? How much is enough? I have this strange feeling. One I've never felt before. It's a strange "wall" of some sort between me and God. But it's not like a brick wall or anything...maybe its just like a ...mesh curtain. I can still see him, feel him, breathe him in, but I still feel separated. Like when I'm worshiping...why do random thoughts cross my mind? I'm trying to focus on my savior, and really listen to the words of the song, and let it hit me, but I'm thinking about the homework I have due the next day, or what time I have to be at work. I'm thinking about anything except the words I'm singing. Now that I have 3 summer classes in full swing, I keep putting off my bible time. No excuse. Might have to do a myspace cleansing again.

I do praise God for all He has done in my life. Sounds cliche, but it's the honest truth. The thing that bugs me the most, is i feel like I have it so good. I have no real hurdles around me. I have no big temptations, (we always will have those...mine currently is putting off my bible study), and I feel that if I would actually just focus on Jesus and how amazing He is, I would be at such an amazing place.

I pray that I spend more time one on one with God. That he would be with me and all my overloads of homework - and help me time manage everything so that I can finish my homework. Please take down this wall, or curtain...or whatever it is separating me from you.

I'll wait for you there...down on my knees where I met you...

Tonight is one of those nights where I felt like rolling down my windows, blaring hillsong, and driving into the hill country to stargaze. After a worship experience like tonight [props to Jesus for showing us He is still in control....we need that reminder every now and then] there isn't much you can say except God is amazing. There is this quiet place where He takes us. No one is around. But the company is all you ever need. I'm at a loss for words really. God is awesome. His love is perfect. I understand the concept but I can't even comprehend it.

P E R F E C T L O V E.

How amazing is it that God decided we were worth it? Like...worth spending eternity with. Everyone else EXCEPT HIM will let us down. We'll get hurt. Feel betrayed. But the one constant ...the only thing you really need to feel complete...will never ever betray you. He'll never leave you. He'll never lie to you or let you down. Oh what love! I'm so thankful for the people I have around me to help bring me to the place I am in. I can't thank God enough for these people. They mean the absolute world to me. I am so undoubtedly in love with my savior, Jesus Christ. And I'm figuring out the rest as I go along.

Officially rut free!

Wow. I just went through my old blog entries from the retreat and I am so amazed at what God has taught me and the place he has brought me to since then. I have messed up a few times yes, but I am forever changed! I am free in Christ! I feel like sharing about my new amazing friend God has placed in my life. I don't know what it is and I can quite figure it out but Jessica is like...the friend that God knew I needed so He sent me her. I'm not kidding. She's like my little sister....but I am learning so much from her! It is so important in becoming who you were meant to be in Christ to have a person you can trust like that. And someone who is just basically....you're sister or brother in Christ. Completely centered and does nothing but help your spiritual walk. And we're accountability partners...which I neeeeeed! SO YAY

in your embrace

Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same as yesterday, today and forever."

How amazing is it that He is the same always! The same as He was yesterday. Still loves us. Today....he knows I love him even though I don't always act like it and he still loves me. Tomorrow, guess what...he is going to forgive me and forget whatever I did and love me still. Until forever! That makes me want to jump! and skip! and sing really loudly!

Thats really all.

He makes my heart all warm and fuzzy.

♥

everything I am for Your kingdoms cause

It shouldn't matter but it does. It shouldn't hurt but it does. I should expect it but I don't. God, I can hear you. It's faint...but I hear your voice. I thank you for being who you are in me. So powerful and quick to love. Teaching me how to love like you have loved me. Forgive like you forgave me. You can't win a war with hate, judging, and more war. First you have to show love. The kind of love of a savior. The kind of love where they don't know what to do except give up fighting and just love back. U t o p i a n .

I'll admit it. I was angry...hurt...upset...more than I have been in a long, long time. But where do those feelings get me? They get me nowhere. If I don't lose that feeling in my heart of anger or bitterness - it will only tear ME down. I am trying to become the best version of me. Jesus is showing me that no matter how hurt you are and how betrayed you feel, you have to forgive. GENUINELY FORGIVE. Show them the love that He shows you every day. I did the same thing to Him that she did to me. And He still loves me. And it's a deeper love that anyone will ever understand. I have to be like that. Be like Jesus.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 1 John 3:16

the day that true love died

all i ask is that I get through this stronger abiding in You.


I need my broken heart healed. I need friends that build me up, not tear me down. I want my granddaddy back. I want a college degree. I have an amazing best friend and his name is Jesus. He pretty much is best friends with anyone who wants to be. I find that I try to be a good friend to everyone else but Him. And I see that this is not a good thing. Broken hearts are for broken people. Jesus has saved me by his grace I am healed! I don't have a broken heart. I have a cloudy mind. I have people in my life that bring out the bad version of me. I need people that bring out the best version of me.

abandoned heart

Hold on, hold on
When the current pulls you under
And your heart beats like thunder
Just give me your hand
And hold on, hold on
Until the storm is over
And I'll be fighting for you
Just give me your hand

...

Please keep my eyes fixed on You
Please root my heart so deep in You
Keep me abiding, keep me abiding


....

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You, surrendered
All I am is Yours

I love it when I find songs that speak the words I don't have - but need so desperately.

i don't pray enough

plain and simple. flyleaf has some awesome lyrics.

Swirling shades of blue
Slow dancing in your eyes
Sun kisses the earth
And I hush my urge to cry

I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to
Runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you
I wanna be there for you



how many times do i realize and feel the conviction that i am not living for my best friend, like i promised Him i would, and then just pretend to not feel that conviction? I just blow it off. I promised my savior, that I would love Him and serve Him and honor Him, and i keep screwing up!!

You say that your strength is made perfect in my weakness. But I continue to fall on a daily basis. I'm pretty much tired of writing blogs like this. Thats why I don't really write anymore, because this is all they would be about.


I really don't like the road I see my life going. Other things have become priorities and this is not ok. not at all....

I feel like I get it all. I get that I'm a screw up, and that I have this powerful love of a savior just waiting for me....but i'm tempted and so easily give in all the dang time. i feel like i don't have the right kind of people around me. well...enough of them. and i also know that im too easily swayed to do the wrong thing...i'm not strong enough - well i don't feel strong enough to live like He wants me to (and like i know would be the best...) It's late and I'm babbling, so it probably isn't making any sense, but I know that my job at the christian bookstore has oddly enough got in the way of me staying on the ....i dunno how else to say it without sounding cliche, but the path to righteousness.



blahhhhhhhhhh


i normally don't ask for prayers, but i really do need it. i don't know exactly why...i just feel ...sad...and too far from God right now.


honestly i just want to be around my friends @ the tribe & at gracepoint more than i have been lately. they help keep me in line. i love my other friends to death, but they aren't doing anything for me spiritually....if anything they are hindering it.

slowing down

I apologize for the lack of posts in the past few weeks. I have no worthy excuses, only time wasted and words in my garbage can. First of all - May is quickly approaching! 2008 has gone by so fast. I'm shaking my head as I type this realizing it has no intentions of slowing down. It's true I want the 19th day of May to get here as soon as it can, but after that is there any possible way of just...stopping time? Seriously...at least just slow down! I feel like I'm running a marathon and someone else is moving my arms and legs. I feel the pain though. The inability to take a deep breath or really see whats passing me by. The sweat trickling down my cheek - almost feels like tears. I'm sure its a mixture of both. I should have stopped 14 miles ago, but that would leave me alone, no spectators, no one alongside, and a lot of unfinished projects. So there is really no choice but to keep

running.



Lord if there is any possible way of allowing me to stop and smell the roses without falling at the wayside, I'd sure love a tiny vacation. I need time away - well what I need is...time with You. Just You. Take me back to that place again. You know that I know that I need it. More than finishing my last few days at school. More than getting to work. More than anything, I need to be lost.....in You.

do it with a heart wide open

I can definitely pin point some huge turn points in my life. All of them come from a me making a huge realization or discovery of something I was never quite aware of in my life. Words of hope, encouragement, good intent...really do have this huge impact on peoples life. I think we could all change the world if we, instead of saying hateful, anger inspired words, displayed kindness, forgiveness, mercy, and grace. Something I'm writing on my to do list (first, i suppose I should actually make a to do list...) but the first thing on it will be to say something to brighten someones day everyday. Not because I have to, but because I know that will make them happier and in turn, they will do that for someone else (hopefully). Sort of "pay it forward" i guess...

Also, never be someone you aren't. God created me the way I was supposed to be. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that entails, but as far as I know, I have a bunch of great friends around me, and they love me for me.

It's been way too long since I've seen my family. Going more than 3 months is almost more than I can bare. By the next time I will see them, I will have gone the longest I've ever gone without seeing my mommy! :(