Outsiders

why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering
If we stop sinking
Could we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned
We’ve finally come to terms,
We are the outsiders.


Needtobreathe has been super inspirational to me lately. Thankful for them & their awesome music!


It's wierd that I haven't figured this out until now. But I guess I had to learn it on my own. Pastor Jeff has been talking about suffering for Christ lately. Not a very uplifting sermon, but sometimes you need the flat out hard core truth. I appreciate it, seriously! But I think people expect to have Jesus save them from all their troubles. Or expect Him to make life easier in every way. And while He does make life easier to GET THROUGH....being on the same side as Christ brings a whole set of new problems. And you wanna know why? I just figured this one out. It's because following Christ in a world full of sin is like standing in sinking sand. Or like paddling up current. Or like trying to fly in a hurricane. It's next to impossible. ...next to...but yet, it's what makes us strong. It's what builds "God-like character". We are flipping through John 10 & 11. It's pretty incredible. It also reminds me of James. The book of the bible I know the best. I wish I knew the rest of the bible like I know James chapter 1. Haha. I don't know the passage well enough, but they ask Jesus why do they have to suffer. Or why is he blind? Did he do something wrong? Did his parents do something wrong? And Jesus simply says he suffers so God can have the glory. Thats it! We suffer to build our character, shape us into Godly people, that ultimately brings glory to God. How incredible...and scary! But it's definitely awesome to understand that. Trials come and go, but I can't be suprised by them. They are there for a reason. And my job is to get through them stronger. Thankfully, I'm not on my own.

Dirt covered snow

its like a winter wonderland out there. on the way to work this morning i wasn't able to help but thinking of the beautiful things God continues to give us & how again - humans screw it up & make it look disgusting. snow is BEAUTIFUL...untouched. but covered in exhaust fumes it's gross.

sort of like me.

but God decides to shower down another blanket of pure snow to cover all the ugly.

Everything good in my life, I'm pretty sure I've somehow screwed it up by being a crappy person. But each morning, God wants nothing more than to let me start new.

I really have to start believing that. So is that what it means when they say "God's mercies are new every morning?"

Hallelujah!

I'm back!

Well here I am again, writing on this blog! It's been over a year and a half since that has last happened, so let me tell you what brought me back.

My friend Nicole, a friend from high school, messaged me and asked if I had a blog because she wanted to start blogging. At that moment the only technical blog I had was a tumblr account. I didn't really use it for blogging...more as a combination of twitter/facebook, constantly reblogging pictures of vampire diaries, zac efron, jonas brothers, awesome photography...etc. So that all happened last night - I told her my link & that was that. Well this morning I wake up and in my email I have a notification from blogger that someone commented on my blog "I'm Broken - Wide Open" about a Marilyn Monroe quote. Wierd timing....but it made me miss this blog a little bit, so I came back over & spent a little bit of time reading through my old posts and I always love doing that! To relive my spiritual journey. To remember a time when I was constantly questioning, battling, thinking, and processing Jesus. It's a whole lot better than what I do now.

I always find it weird to think about why I am in such a crappy place, spiritually. I don't do drugs. I don't drink in excess. (One or two beers a month is about what I do...if that) I don't have sex. I don't do anything major that would make me hang my head in shame & avoid talking to God. The only thing I feel that is got a hold on me is my lack of drive. I should pray...but I don't. I should read scripture...get to know my God more...but I don't. I should wake up every sunday excited for church...but I don't, until this morning. And I finally made it to the college age bible study on thursday night, and from there - a few snowball events have happened & now I very possibly might have a group of girls that I could open up to & experience community with.

The reason I'm here, and have been so stagnant, is because I don't have any christian friends who were willing to experience life with me. I mean i have those friends but they are really far away in Texas. That does me little good in St Louis. That is why i miss it soooo freaking much sometimes!

But thursday night was sort of an "abouuuut FACE" for my spiritual life. I hope its the turn I needed to make. I woke up this sunday morning and am excited to get into that building and worship God.

But now I need to go jump in the shower or I'll be late!

hmm

lisa-haddix.blogspot.com.

go there, be happy.

New Blog

For those of you who are still following me I made a new blog. I figured, new city, new job, new school, then I need a new blog. Fresh is a better word. So if you still wanna know what I have to say (should be better this time, at least more consistant, so I say :)

lisahaddix.vox.com

freedom reigns in this place

Don't have much time (whats new!) but I did wanna make a little update, not really for any of ya'll but mainly for me.

I AM FREE!!

God has freed me from everything I had to deal with at the beginning of the year. SO FREE! It's a wonderful feeling.

K. thats about all I have time for, or else I'd write for daaayyys!

I heart ....

So i got onto blogger.com today and was browsing through the blogs that I follow, and saw Kyle Burkeholders blog about "things that I heart" and how he had stolen the idea from Tfani Tyler, and since it's such a beautiful sunday, I have decided to do the same. I encourage you to do it as well... it's great to be reminded of all things that make your heart smile.

I heart
The first few days of warm weather after a cold winter.
Funny shaped post-its.
the silence of the countryside!
home
my mommy
movie dates
showers after working out
eli young band
the idea of selling what i own and traveling the world
my freckles
blogging
Jesus Christ
really soft green grass
driving to boerne to gaze at the clear texas night sky
genuine worship
sleeping late
singing
kitchen supplies
the idea of decorating my apartment
the clarity after i make big decisions
my apartment complex. seriously!
older dogs.
taking pictures of nature
going to watch live music
running into an old friend
my babies @ the daycare.
making new friends
talking about the Love i found in Jesus
cleaning when i'm in the mood.
buying a new cd
birthdays
writing
my lifegroup
the comfort of family
pedicures
payday
the idea of growing a garden
game nights!
learning the guitar
my daddy
my little brother
and big one too.
pastor jeff's sermons
alana's voice! lol
making new friends
learning
reading
traveling
the beach

...and I could go on and on.

God, I want You to ruin my life!

Soooooo hi! I have decided that I'm gonna start prayin this prayer. [see subject line]. For soooo long, well for like 6 months or MORE I have been living my life the way I want to. In the beginning of those six months, it was what I thought God might want, but really, it was soo what I wanted.

I started a study at grace point tonight, Search For Significance. I really haven't even started it yet. Today was introduction, but I should prepare ya'll for more bloggys. Cuz you know...once my spiritual life starts bloomin' thats when my bloggys start bloomin'. =) I felt myself take another step today.

OH. So this week was "I'm Your hands". And honestly, I dont say the prayer every hour. Infact I never say it. I don't have an hourly alarm thingy. But funny story, theres this girl at my work who blatantly confessed to me, she didn't need Jesus. She said it in a light casual way, but still. I was struck silent! I probably couldn't help the look I gave her, but she just said it in a way that was like "um HOLY CRAP". I didn't know the words to say, so I somewhat prayed for the words. Not a hard prayer, but I knew that I needed to say the right thing or this girl would never come to know Jesus. She is catholic, and (no offense to any catholics) she said that she thinks its sooo boring just sitting there and listening to the guy talk for 30 minutes or more. And (again no offense) I told her, "yeah if i had to sit through a catholic mass, i'd probably be really bored too!" haha... :) ? .. lol, but then i went to tell her about grace point and how i know exactly what she means, but Pastor Jeff has a way of talking and making it all seem so real that time doesn't really pass when he's talking. In fact, 45 minutes can go by and it feels like MAYBE 10 minutes. And I told her she should come sometime. I know that this was God opening up the opportunity. I know he has many many more conversations to be had with this girly. And as I grow closer to Him through these next 7 weeks as I go "on the search", I will pray that I can convince this girl she DOES infact need Jesus, that is if she wants to go to heaven.


OKay, so God, please ruin my life! the plans I have are sooooo terrible and not working. And I know that YOU know that I know that :) LOL but God how wonderful are you to not hold that against me. to not be the God who says "i told ya so". To be the God who lets me jump right back up into his arms and start over. thank you so much!! i love youuuuu a lot! thanks for tonight and for bringing me into this amazing group of girlsss! yay! im so excited.

theology..

for some reason, i have been super intrigued by theology lately! Mainly the theology that supports the fact that Mormonism is a man made religion/cult. www.carm.org. seriously. click on "religious movements" that website is AMAZING. I've always wanted to be able to invite a mormon in, and defend my faith against his, but never knew enough, but this website equips you to do just that. and i seriously think i could so make a mormon speechless! ah! im excited =) and i needed to share!!


also, for those that are curious. last week at lifegroup, first time in a long time i have felt the spirit of God workin in my tough little heart. I know He's been there the whole time, but I just haven't felt Him...but last week, I felt Him, it was just a little bit...it's small steps, but it was very exciting! scary & exciting! I'm on my way back home....and I'm starting to smell it's scent now! Kinda like if God was baking fresh chocolate chip cookies for me, yeah I can totally smell them.

stupid is as stupid does

so i just finished watching forrest gump. I haven't seen that movie in YEARS but it was 5 dollars at walmart and so i bought it. I mean that movie is an absolute necessity for any movie collection. Anyway... I didn't think I'd be sitting here at the end of the movie completely inspired. I mean, no matter how much (or little really) the movie related to my life... when you are in a certain state of mind, you are going to relate whatever is going on to your life somehow, and I think thats what I did. I did something really stupid the other day. Nothing that would harm me physically but a lot of harm emotionally and spiritually. Soo without coming right out and saying it (mainly because im too embarrassed), but I did see him. I dont know why i did. Seriously. I dont know why! I can't figure out what logic I used to make myself drive to Jim's at 11:30 at night. But whatever it was... it was temporary. I KNNEWW i wasn't supposed to OBVIOUSLY, but I wanted to. Really really badly. I know I'm not the only one who has been in this situation. You go back...even though you know its wrong, even though you know there is no way it could lead ANYWHERE... you go, because you are lonely and just want to be held for a little while. But after watching Forrest Gump... why am I wasting MORE freaking time not getting ANY better? But getting worse? I had made all this progress...and even realized I dont really love him anymore (=D)... but then I go back and let myself fall into this blind hole, not knowing if I'll make it out again. GOSH I'm sooo stupid! ...like he subject line says...stupid is as stupid does! haha... i guess i really dont know how many fall backs i'll have because i can say i wont ever go back, but then somehow i did.... but i guess whats good is that the time in between is getting longer and longer. I am taking a step forward. And hopefully no more steps backwards. This life is the only one I get. I've heard that so many times...and realized it so many times... so if I know I'm not doing something good or doing something that is benefiting me in the long run, why am i still there? And not just with this situation... Tomorrow morning I'm waking up early and working out. I have almost completely decided I'm going to nursing school in about a year. (time should be right by then...hopefully God willing...) and I'm just done wasting my time on things that don't matter. Even if i think they do...they don't. It sucks to be alone... and days when you have nothing else to do and wish he could come over... those are the really hard days, the few days when i've failed have been those kind of days. but its time i start giving back my time to the one who really cares about me. who really wants me. which brings up another thing. WHY AM I SO STUPID. oh wait, i already brought that up. but here i am... STILL in with this guy. who doesn't really want me back. im letting myself be his inbetween girl until the other one comes down here. but i am REFUSING to go back to God when HE wants me more than anything else in this entire world. even after I have hurt him time after time after TIME AFTER TIME. ... it makes no sense to me. my rationalizing...is pretty stupid.

ok seriously this time. NO MORE!!!!!!!


please, God no more....

Hurricane

I have built this city here, half with pride and half with fear. I just wanted a safer place to hide, but I don't wanna be safe tonight. I need You like a hurricane, thunder crashing wind and rain. Tear these walls down, I'm only Yours now. I need You like a burning flame, a wildfire untamed. Tear these walls down, I'm only Yours now.



siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

of

doooooooom



gahh i love that song.

i couldn't do it

2 nights ago i tried to sit down and write a blog...but as the thoughts flowed, so did the tears...and i ended up not being able to make it to the end. I feel like God is blessing me though with my job...the other girl I work with is super nice and has a great relationship with God so we get to talk about it. This past sunday at church, it occured several times where Pastor Jeff said something and I was like "ahh! i know..." Even sarah looked directly over at me to make sure I was hearing what he was saying. Thanks pastor Jeff. Haha... So what's happened is I've cheated on my God... and instead of being angry and not loving me, he just wants me back. But of course it's going to take time... for healing...so i'm on that course. It wont be easy... so any help i could get would be appreciated....but i'm back on this journey...to Him not away from Him =)

when i see you smile...

When babies smile, it restores faith back into your life. When you are holding this tiny little creation, who was just literally in God's hands not more than 6 months ago...and they grin ear to ear for you... you can't help but have faith that everything is going to be ok. That things happen and you learn lessons and that the most important thing in the world are those little smiles that we take for granted. I can't wait to be a mommy one day. But for now, a teacher in the infant room will cure my itch for mommyhood! =)

marilyn monroe quotes = love

So i was just browsing through the internet when I came across this quote from Marilyn Monroe..."and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." In general I think people can get so caught up in the disappointments in our life to a point where we forget that God does have our best interest as HIS best interest. We think we're never going to get over this. Life as we know it is over. There is no way we will ever be happy again. Then the clouds part, the light starts shining through and before you know it, your happy again. You have this new part of you that you didn't before and God shows you that he is in control. That he has everything taken care of. That if you listen and obey him and trust him, you will always be taken care of. By the almighty God himself...

Trust me, I am preachin to the choir. I know I'm better off. I know that relationship was the worst thing for me. I know I deserve better. I know my God holds me in the palm of his hands. I have to trust that really soon the dark clouds are going to part and His light will shine through. But I have to keep holding on to what I know. And I need the people around me that I love, and love me, my church friends, family... I need you guys more than ever right now. I have tried to distance myself from ya'll, when I was scared and insecure, but I know that right where I belong is running towards God. ...and that's what I'll be attempting to do in these coming days... that first step will be much anticipated but very hard to take.

a closed door means new beginnings.

So when I realize that my mind is not where it should be, focused on God’s truth and how this really is going to come out ok…I have found a website full if amazing devotions. I’ve already read 3….

http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/dailyinchrist/archives/


This is going to be really hard. I know this…because I know this…




God came here to set us free….I have to keep telling myself that today.

happy anniversary

oh and also...new year. It is a day late, but yesterday was my 1 year anniversary of this blog. I have officially been blogging consistantly (or inconsistantly) for 365 days. For the past week I've been glancing on my old entries... and I'll update what I think next week.

but i had to blog today ...my anniversary post.

the truth

Ok so the truth is, God gave the BEST that he had to us, as a sacrficial offering that we may live in peace, comfort and the ultimate satisfaction, with God Himself. He gave his son, his FAVORITE son, His ONLY son, to die for the sins WE COMMIT so we can live with God, who gave us HIS BEST. And all He asks for in return is for us to give Him our best. He just wants us the best of us. But what do we do? Go to church on Sundays, don't really think about God and His ultimate sacrfice for us, maybe a few nights out of the week, we'll remember to pray as we're falling asleep, but can we honestly say that is our best? There's no way...He wants us to leave everything behind and follow Him. Live like His only son lived. Jesus was equal with God. If we were equal with God, does it make sense for us to give up everything and live as a homeless person, humbly serving your father? No...He should be sitting beside him on a throne where He belongs, but instead, as an equal to God, he came in human form, lowered himself below God, was hoomeless, hungry, tired but rejoiced and did it all for the sake of His fathers name. But who are we to roll down the streets in our hummers and Lexus when kids are starving all over the world. We as humans, so far beneath God, live like we think we should be up there sitting next go God himself. Of course we'd never actually think it...but actions speak louder than words.


....i'm still processing through this thought, so more to come i'm sure...

break these chains

Schools over, and December is half way over…and I haven’t written a blog in almost a month. I SUCK! If I go back to January’s blogs, and read over my new years resolution, It was to blog my spiritual journey. And it seems as if I’ve done a pretty decent job, but only the good days. Whenever my spiritual journey is blooming, I write about it. But I really don’t like writing about the bad stuff. I’ve definitely had some ups and downs this year. I feel like I’m in a plateau right now. But I feel stuck. You know when you are having that bad dream where someone is chasing you, and you can’t run move your legs to run away? That’s pretty much the best way I can explain it. Not that I’m not trying…now I won’t be stupid… I know I could try harder, but like I said…I feel stuck. In some crazy sticky mud! How can we just break free from the chains that are holding us down? Because I really think this whole being stuck thing…it’s getting really old.

just rest in it

to give an honest full update on my spiritual life the past month or so would take me probably a few hours. more energy than i have now. but i came across some of my own words yesterday i had written 3 months ago, and it didn't mean a whole lot then, but yesterday, it brought me to tears.

At the Lakeaway retreat the first week of august, Andy asked us to write down where we wanted ourselves to be in 5 days, spiritually. I wrote down that I wanted to stop fighting to win God's love and just rest in it. When I read over those few words, my mouth dropped. That's basically what I have been struggling with the past few months, and the realization that relief is just as easy as simply finding REST in Him...it gave me goose bumps.

With everything that has been going on in my life the past month or so, I have got so caught up in fighting to win God over or prove that I am worthy of love. Why do I need to do that? I'm not worthy, but he loves me anyway! Thank GOD!!

a hearts cry

mainly, the last half. but this song is my hearts cry.

<33

and I just watched fireproof. i can't believe how many times i cried! haha...but seriously, if you have a chance, go watch it! I was particularly fond of it, but what I got out most was that Jesus loves me even when I continue to "spit in his face". And that I'll only know what love means through my savior because He is true love. If you want a wake up call - I suggest you watch it!!

Here's another great video...